My friend Yara, who has an NPD diagnosis (not malignant) is in recovery and has been feeling down lately. She just wrote this article about the way she’s been feeling. I think these feelings she is experiencing are common to anyone suffering from trauma disorders — NPD, BPD, and C-PTSD. It’s that awful feeling of yawning emptiness that occasionally makes itself felt. She also talks about some of the things she is doing to relieve the pain and remain mindful. Here is her post.
Please follow Yara’s blog, Recovering from NPD.
Dysphoria, Dissociation, Anhedonia, Oh My!
By Yara, Recovering from NPD.
I’ve had a tough week. I dissociated for most of the week and am just now (thankfully, hopefully?) coming back to reality.
When I get like this, my weekends blend into my week days. My days into my nights. I have to look at the calendar several times a day to remember what day it is. Still I have trouble. Today I looked up and it was Thursday. I’ve done nothing with my week and it’s nearly over.
Each day, the hours go by and before I know it, the kids are home and I’m struggling to get through dinner and bedtime. Struggling to pull it together enough to be at least somewhat present for them. I smile and play with the baby. I try to make conversation with my oldest, showing interest in his day. But I’m on “autopilot” – how I describe my dissociations. It’s like I’m seeing the conversations happening, but I don’t feel like I’m part of them. I feel disconnected from reality, like I’m floating inside my own head watching the world take place around me, but not participating. The next day I remember it as if it was a dream.
All day yesterday I walked by several piles of laundry I meant to take care of and didn’t realize they were there until the evening. I simply didn’t see them. I’m completely checked out.
Next week I’ll get some stuff done, I tell myself every week. I’m going on two months of this now and starting to really get concerned. It’s affecting every aspect of my life, including my work. I’m falling behind and it’s only a matter of time before someone notices I’ve produced virtually nothing in weeks.
I’ve always had periods of “depression.” Cyclical ups and downs throughout the years. This is the first bought I’ve had since becoming aware of my NPD, so this time it looks different to me. I’m aware of aspects I wasn’t aware of before. In the past, this would be the time I’d be searching for new “supply.” A new hobby, interest, friend, something exciting, anything to take my mind off the boredom. But I’m trying to learn not to rely on that anymore, and instead rely on myself.
Read the rest of Yara’s article here.