I haven’t posted here for a long time. The truth is that lately I’ve been losing interest in my therapy and haven’t even been wanting to go. Since my sessions are never unpleasant or traumatic, I really don’t know why. I know I’m not cured, though that thought occurred to me briefly. Sometimes uncomfortable emotions come up in session, but I actually look forward to those, because it means we can work on them. They’ve never been cause for me to want to run.
But recently, even while I’m in session, I keep talking about things that have nothing to do with therapy, or even with me. My therapist correctly pointed out that he sensed I was avoiding something that’s coming up.
In our last session we began talking about an early childhood trauma involving my mother, when I was about 5 -7. I skirted around the issue and told him I couldn’t give him details, but I was starting to get emotional. It’s not something I’m able to talk about yet, even with my therapist. Not even here. It brings me too much shame even now, but I remember exactly what happened as clear as day. He wants to explore this with me and I do too, but…I’m afraid to. It’s too shameful. But the avoidance started several weeks before this.
So I’ve been losing interest. This week I felt too tired to go so I didn’t. That hasn’t happened before.
I just had a dream that may shed some light on what’s going on, because the real reason is occluded even to me.
The dream involved a usual theme that occurs in many of my dreams. Somehow, in spite of my limited income, I had come into ownership of a vast house, so vast that I kept discovering rooms I never knew existed and had never seen before. Exploring my new home was exciting, but in the back of my mind I knew I really couldn’t afford this house.
There were strangers in the house, as if it was some public place. I walked through a doorway that opened out to a huge industrial kitchen with huge flat stainless steel cooktops lining an entire wall. All these random people were cooking — bacon, eggs, steaks, you name it. I turned to some stranger and told them I owned all this. I told them that before, I had lived in a one bedroom apartment (my actual place has two bedrooms). I admitted I wasn’t sure I could afford all this but that I would try.
One of the strangers I met was a very attractive man in his thirties. (In my dreams I am always younger than my real age). He seemed interested in me and kept following me around, trying to start a conversation. I was interested but reticent, so I may have seemed disinterested, even though I wasn’t. We found a room with tables that had numbers on them, as you might find in a restaurant.
The man invited me to sit down at one of the tables with him, Table #30. Reluctantly, I did. He was friendly and asked me many questions. I was attracted and interested, but also afraid. As I am in real life, I felt threatened by his interest in me. But I was willing to get to know him better. My attraction overrode my wariness.
I admitted to him I was afraid of relationships but that I’d be willing to give one a chance under the right circumstances. He seemed understanding.
I got up for some reason that I can’t remember and then came back to Table 30. He was gone. A woman sitting at a nearby table told me she had seen him leave and drive away. I was disappointed. I wondered what I’d done. I knew I’d never see him again.
I wanted to write this dream down before it fades from my memory, but I haven’t thought about what it could mean yet. I’m going to mull it over today and if I figure it out, I’ll write another post later. Right now my brain isn’t working and I just want to go back to bed for a few more hours.