What am I running from?

runningaway

I haven’t posted here for a long time.   The truth is that lately I’ve been losing interest in my therapy and haven’t even been wanting to go.   Since my sessions are never unpleasant or traumatic, I really don’t know why.  I know I’m not cured, though that thought occurred to me briefly.    Sometimes uncomfortable emotions come up in session, but I actually look forward to those, because it means we can work on them.  They’ve never been cause for me to want to run.

But recently, even while I’m in session, I keep talking about things that have nothing to do with therapy, or even with me.  My therapist correctly pointed out that he sensed I was avoiding something that’s coming up.

In our last session we began talking about an early childhood trauma involving my mother, when I was about 5 -7.  I skirted around the issue and told him I couldn’t give him details, but I was starting to get emotional.   It’s not something I’m able to talk about yet, even with my therapist.  Not even here.  It brings me too much shame even now, but I remember exactly what happened as clear as day.   He wants to explore this with me and I do too, but…I’m afraid to.   It’s too shameful.    But the avoidance started several weeks before this.

So I’ve been losing interest.  This week I felt too tired to go so I didn’t.  That hasn’t happened before.

I just had a dream that may shed some light on what’s going on, because the real reason is occluded even to me.

The dream involved a usual theme that occurs in many of my dreams. Somehow, in spite of my limited income, I had come into ownership of a vast house, so vast that I kept discovering rooms I never knew existed and had never seen before.  Exploring my new home was exciting, but in the back of my mind I knew I really couldn’t afford this house.

There were strangers in the house, as if it was some public place.    I walked through a doorway that opened out to a huge industrial kitchen with huge flat stainless steel cooktops lining an entire wall.  All these random people were cooking — bacon, eggs, steaks, you name it.    I turned to some stranger and told them I owned all this.   I told them that before, I had lived in a one bedroom apartment (my actual place has two bedrooms).  I admitted I wasn’t sure I could afford all this but that I would try.

One of the strangers I met was a very attractive man in his thirties.  (In my dreams I am always younger than my real age).    He seemed interested in me and kept following me around, trying to start a conversation.   I was interested but reticent, so I may have seemed disinterested, even though I wasn’t.   We found a room with tables that had numbers on them, as you might find in a restaurant.

The man invited me to sit down at one of the tables with him, Table #30.   Reluctantly, I did.  He was friendly and asked me many questions.  I was attracted and interested, but also afraid.   As I am in real life, I felt threatened by his interest in me.   But I was willing to get to know him better.  My attraction overrode my wariness.

I admitted to him I was afraid of relationships but that I’d be willing to give one a chance under the right circumstances.   He seemed understanding.

I got up for some reason that I can’t remember and then came back to Table 30.   He was gone.   A woman sitting at a nearby table told me she had seen him leave and drive away.  I was disappointed.  I wondered what I’d done.  I knew I’d never see him again.

I wanted to write this dream down before it fades from my memory, but I haven’t thought about what it could mean yet.    I’m going to mull it over today and if I figure it out, I’ll write another post later.  Right now my brain isn’t working and I just want to go back to bed for a few more hours.

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8 thoughts on “What am I running from?

  1. I recently re-discovered your blog after a very complicated year. I first came across the idea that I might have (covert) NPD almost a year ago and I remember reading some of the posts on your blog. Being at first devastated by many opinions about NPD (uncurable and evil etc) I felt absolutely hopeless and thought the only way out really was suicide.
    Since then I thankfully found other opinions and started therapy (although it’s only CBT at the moment, I’m not really satisfied and would like to do Schema Therapy but it’s so hard to find a therapist…) and hope to get better eventually.
    The posts on this blogs (and others) really help, they give hope, something that is necessary if I want to muster the motivation to change!

    Like

  2. I recently re-discovered your blog after a very complicated year. I first came across the idea that I might have (covert) NPD almost a year ago and I remember reading some of the posts on your blog. Being at first devastated by many opinions about NPD (uncurable and evil etc) I felt absolutely hopeless and thought the only way out really was suicide.
    Since then I thankfully found other opinions and started therapy (although it’s only CBT at the moment, I’m not really satisfied and would like to do Schema Therapy but it’s so hard to find a therapist…) and hope to get better eventually.
    The posts on this blogs (and others) really help, they give hope, something that is necessary if I want to muster the motivation to change!

    Like

    1. I’m glad you’re finding the articles of help! Good luck on your healing journey. Never give up hope. Have you considered DBT? That has proven effective for some NPDs too.

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  3. This dream is so powerful and points to the prophetic outcome you will have as the soul is healed. Being a large beautiful represents your spirit of many facets(rooms). You have many qualities and they will not be limited by any natural circumstances because God has called you to deep connection with others. Therapy life in the natural is indicating that you have not found others in which to deeply connect with yet because you go deep and long for deep connection that so few can partake in. But that is what the kitchen represents with all of its ability to create family meals. Intimacy is found over food and you own a home where all of this can take place. You are rich in spirit already so your dream is pointing that out to you because normal waking hours can get heavy with making sense out of our turmoil especially if we come from trauma in childhood. God is saying, “You have what it takes to be in communion with people you can trust”, the reason being is because they are in your space which is a safe haven, a reflection of the kindness you want as well. The table 30 could be personal to you but it also represents dedication to a particular calling or task and usually symbolizes physical and mental maturity. Sitting down with someone at table 30 indicates intimacy available to you now at your descretion because the inner child has had some healing. It need not matter if others want a relationship with you because your inner child will confirm who is trustworthy, a new stage in your healing that will gain you greater peace. I am excited for you because you are already capable of greater responsibilities and helping others find themselves, now God wants you to fully embrace it. Blessings.

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