Yara Aiko from Recovering From NPD wrote this incredibly insightful and inspirational post about one of the worst things a person can realize about themselves. It’s not too late to change!
By Yara Aiko, Recovering from NPD
Shit has been really getting dire around here. Supply has been low and I’m hitting a wall. For months now I’ve been dealing with strong emotions and painful childhood memories, and trying hard to fight off emotional numbness and dissociations.
At the same time, I’ve been trying to restrict my access to unhealthy or attention-seeking forms of “supply” as I try to force myself to learn to rely on myself to regulate my own self-worth. Not. Easy.
Prolonged numbness + dissociation = rage
I’ve tried just about everything I can think of to pull myself out of this emotional wasteland I’m in. But nothing has had a strong enough impact to pull me out of it completely, or to permanently make it stop. Everything seems like a short term, temporary fix, before it’s back to the boredom and numbness.
I know it can’t last forever, but at this point I’m getting desperate. And angry.
What does that mean? I’m so desperate to feel again I’ll do anything. Positive supply isn’t coming quick enough and in abundance – so I’ve resorted to fucking shit up. In other words: let’s stir the pot and see what bubbles to the surface.
What’s been pissing me off recently that I can bring up now and start a fight about? Who’s on my shit list that can I text something snide to, just to see how they respond? Let’s go online and troll someone obnoxious. At this point, all bets are off. Anger feels better than boredom. It’s that dire.
For the record, I am not proud of this. I’m actually quite ashamed.
I absolutely hate that I am doing this and really want to stop. These feelings are a reminder to me that self-awareness alone is not enough. Not by a long shot. But it is helpful. I thought about it last night and realized I’m essentially throwing a temper tantrum to get attention. The same thing I did as a child when nothing else worked. (Insight)
Discovering my multiple personalities
I’ve heard NPD compared to a dissociative disorder. Sometimes I can’t seem to control which personality comes out, or turn it off. This is a prime example.
This week “Cluster B Girl” is out and she’s a royal narc. She don’t give a fuck. When Cluster B Girl is up, I see myself raging and doing other self-destructive behaviors that I know I’ll later regret.
Internally I am thinking, stop it! Why are you doing this—this behavior is not going to get you want you want, in fact just the opposite! Shut up before you make things worse. Face palm. But the words are flying out of my mouth like someone else is speaking them.
I have a front row seat, but I’m not really participating. Except the rage—I feel that full force.
Read the rest of Yara’s article here.