Harsh Reality: Realizing You’re the Abuser (reblogged article)

Yara Aiko from Recovering From NPD wrote this incredibly insightful and inspirational post about one of the worst things a person can realize about themselves.  It’s not too late to change!

Harsh Reality: Realizing You’re the Abuser

By Yara Aiko, Recovering from NPD

cluster-b-girl3

Shit has been really getting dire around here. Supply has been low and I’m hitting a wall. For months now I’ve been dealing with strong emotions and painful childhood memories, and trying hard to fight off emotional numbness and dissociations.

At the same time, I’ve been trying to restrict my access to unhealthy or attention-seeking forms of “supply” as I try to force myself to learn to rely on myself to regulate my own self-worth. Not. Easy.

Prolonged numbness + dissociation = rage

I’ve tried just about everything I can think of to pull myself out of this emotional wasteland I’m in. But nothing has had a strong enough impact to pull me out of it completely, or to permanently make it stop. Everything seems like a short term, temporary fix, before it’s back to the boredom and numbness.

I know it can’t last forever, but at this point I’m getting desperate. And angry.

woman-fist-angerWhat does that mean? I’m so desperate to feel again I’ll do anything. Positive supply isn’t coming quick enough and in abundance – so I’ve resorted to fucking shit up.  In other words: let’s stir the pot and see what bubbles to the surface.

What’s been pissing me off recently that I can bring up now and start a fight about? Who’s on my shit list that can I text something snide to, just to see how they respond? Let’s go online and troll someone obnoxious. At this point, all bets are off. Anger feels better than boredom. It’s that dire.

For the record, I am not proud of this. I’m actually quite ashamed.

I absolutely hate that I am doing this and really want to stop. These feelings are a reminder to me that self-awareness alone is not enough. Not by a long shot. But it is helpful. I thought about it last night and realized I’m essentially throwing a temper tantrum to get attention. The same thing I did as a child when nothing else worked. (Insight)

Discovering my multiple personalities

multiple personalities dissociation.jpgI’ve heard NPD compared to a dissociative  disorder. Sometimes I can’t seem to control which personality comes out, or turn it off. This is a prime example.

This week “Cluster B Girl” is out and she’s a royal narc. She don’t give a fuck. When Cluster B Girl is up, I see myself raging and doing other self-destructive behaviors that I know I’ll later regret.

Internally I am thinking, stop it! Why are you doing this—this behavior is not going to get you want you want, in fact just the opposite! Shut up before you make things worse. Face palm. But the words are flying out of my mouth like someone else is speaking them.

I have a front row seat, but I’m not really participating. Except the rage—I feel that full force.

*****

Read the rest of Yara’s article here.

 

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17 thoughts on “Harsh Reality: Realizing You’re the Abuser (reblogged article)

  1. This is such an amazing article! So insightful and eloquently written. What caught my eye in particular was this line:

    “I’m so desperate to feel again I’ll do anything.”

    That’s really a powerful statement. You explore the balance between emotional numbness and the insatiable craving to feel; at the same time, you are recognizing the emotions which is a hugely positive thing. Thank you for sharing this, it contributes so much to understanding NPD.

    I wish all Narcs had the self awareness, skill, and bravery that you do. It inspires hope!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for the feedback and kind words. I too wish more narcissists could become self aware. I wasn’t able to have any of these realizations before I woke up. Hopefully as more of us blog about it and share what it’s like to actually live with the disorder, we can start to destigmatize it, and more people may recognize it in themselves.

      Liked by 4 people

    2. Her blog is amazing, isn’t it? And she’s a very good writer too. People need to get over this idea that all NPDs are hopeless.
      I sure wish all narcs had this self awareness too. Would be a much better world if they all did.
      I’ve been less inspired to post here myself lately, because so much of my time is focused on a particular Narcissist. 🙄 You know who I mean.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yaras post is realistic-unlike HG Tudor. This is the truth of what Narcs go through. They hate themselves, have inferiority complexes, and create the Fantasy Self, with delusions of grandeur. Narcs continually need energy to keep the Fantasy Self going- which most call fuel. In reality, it is the attention the Narc needs. Attention means there is a possibility of being accepted by others. If they can be accepted by others, it may mean that they may have a reason not to hate themselves. The rage comes from knowing the reality-they can never be normal, and will always be co-dependents, seeking out Anchors and Controllers to get by in life.
    ALL Narcs are aware- but the truth of how they feel about themselves, is disguised by the creation of the Fantasy Self. They get caught up in their own delusions.
    However I disagree that Narcs can ever recover-more and more research indicates damage/under-development of the pre-frontal cortex of the brains of Narcs. How can one expect a Narc to ‘recover’ if it is a physical (neurological) condition that as yet, has no specific medication or surgery to assist?
    Genetic research also falls behind- I am sure that one day, research will uncover DNA links to this being an inherited disorder that affects the full development of the pre-frontal cortex of the brain.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. HG may pretend to be proud, but he hides a high inferiority complex. Apart from trying to make money out of his disability, his continual need to attempt to enforce his delusional (Fantasy Self) state on readers, tells me he has deep insecurities about himself. He has never posted a picture of himself, as I am sure he is a lonely, overweight aged man. Who would then want to read about the compulsive delusions he’ writes’?
        I actually have my doubts that he even writes most of them anyway, as his grammar, style of writing and responses change. I am sure that he has a Controller who assists him, a ghost writer.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah the same thing happens to me whenever I try to access the rest of Yari’s post, it asks for me to request an invite to read the rest of this post, I have sent a request twice and nothing comes back. Would be really good to get to read the rest of her post as its so informative, honest and we could learn a lot from it. I hope I can get to read it, thanks.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yara, from this post, is actually much more aware of herself, and the many fears and anxieties that Psycho-Narcs face, but wont tell others about. I hope she continues to blog, because she gives a more clear insight into the truth of the mind of the Narc, compared to HG who just writes about his delusional self.

          Luckyotter- from your post “therapy is getting real now”, and your response to HGs fantastical theory of Empath Narc I can tell you that you have made progress. I assimilate it to Alice in Wonderland, where she comes to realize that the queen (the Narc) has no power over her. There is the catharsis. Crying is a form of releasing those emotions. I suggest asking your therapist tools to teach you to improve your self-confidence and self-esteem.
          It takes time to understand you went through years of brainwashing techniques used on you by the Narc- but always know this- there are traits in you that the Narc saw and wanted from you, but could not obtain for herself. With a Narc, when they realize this is unobtainable- it is when they try to destroy them in you via brainwashing-manipulation, aggression etc. Because these traits are naturally within you- they can never be destroyed-only hidden or packed away.
          As you learn that you have ALL the power over the Narc, grow your self-esteem and self-confidence, your old and true traits become more and more apparent. The Narc may even attempt to use old techniques on you again- as mine did-but each time I refused to allow it-leaving the Narcs deflated, angry, lost and alone.

          Now repeat after me “Alice”- You have NO power over me-you have NO power over me-and watch how the queen of cards falls.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Thanks for this insightful and helpful post. I’m no longer in therapy (for now — but the door’s open) and trying out my sea legs. There was no “eureka” dramatic “I’m cured” moment… I just gradually realized it over time. I decided to stop posting but leave this blog up anyway because other people have told me they find it helpful. I don’t see why I should slam the door shut behind me, lol!

          Like

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