My therapist is out of town until January 12th.
It’s hard to go two whole weeks without seeing him. Of course, I can call him (he has given me permission to do that) but I always feel like I’m overstepping his boundaries so I try to avoid it unless it’s a real emergency.
I wouldn’t say this is an emergency but I just feel so sad and alone right now. I’m crying while I write this. I don’t even know why. I think all these dreams I’ve been having mean some dark stuff is emerging into consciousness that must be dealt with. But I have to wait.
What I feel isn’t exactly depression. It isn’t really anxiety either, but it contains elements of depression and anxiety. It’s hard to explain, really. I feel as if I’m on the edge of a meltdown. The void seems way too close for comfort. All my usual defenses are gone and I just want to crawl in bed and shut the whole world out. I might just do that. Just go to bed early and forget the howling wind outside and the howling wilderness that lives inside me.
Why does my therapist always have to go somewhere whenever I’m in crisis? I don’t expect anyone to answer that. It is what it is, but it’s not fair.