I really need my therapist right now.

My therapist is out of town until January 12th.

It’s hard to go two whole weeks without seeing him.  Of course, I can call him (he has given me permission to do that) but I always feel like I’m overstepping his boundaries so I try to avoid it unless it’s a real emergency.

I wouldn’t say this is an emergency but I just feel so sad and alone right now.    I’m crying while I write this.  I don’t even know why.   I think all these dreams I’ve been having mean some dark stuff is emerging into consciousness that must be dealt with.  But I have to wait.

What I feel isn’t exactly depression.   It isn’t really anxiety either, but it contains elements of depression and anxiety.    It’s hard to explain, really.  I feel as if I’m on the edge of a meltdown.  The void seems way too close for comfort.  All my usual defenses are gone and I just want to crawl in bed and shut the whole world out.    I might just do that.   Just go to bed early and forget the howling wind outside and the howling wilderness that lives inside me.

Why does my therapist always have to go somewhere whenever I’m in crisis?   I don’t expect anyone to answer that.  It is what it is, but it’s not fair.


14 thoughts on “I really need my therapist right now.

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this, I as well have the same thing happen, holidays have always been a trigger for me, and my therapist always seems to take a vacation around all holidays, I understand she is entitled to this time, it just selfishly sucks for me.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I want to ‘take back’ my original comment/question.

        I am reading a book called “Talk is Not Enough: How Psychotherapy Really Works” and I just read something in there that reminded me of your post here and what I commented.

        I feel really callous now for writing that and I’m really sorry.

        The part in the book that got me back here, the whole quote would be too long, but here’s part of it:
        “To accomplish real change, patient and therapist together, must challenge the underlying false assumptions that the neurotic carries within him about himself and the world he occupies. The patient must confront the defenses built in accordance with these false assumptions, which while false are nonetheless perceived by the patient as truths on which his very survival depends.”

        This reminded me of the previous post you put up about your self discovery of your treatment and attitude toward you ex.

        That is a huge self-discovery and something that (I’m guessing) would have a huge impact on how you are feeling about yourself at the moment.

        So it’s no wonder you need your therapist right now. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing really hard work and most people would just re-bury it so as not to feel any guilt (or shame.) The fact that you are doing the work, shows you are a good person.

        I’m so sorry, and I’m so sorry that I even asked such a bullshit question.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I haven’t read your question yet (I’m just now checking my notifications) but I’m sure it’s not bullshit. Thanks for the validation, I think my mood does have a lot to do with my recent discovery (but I suffer from a lot of mood swings anyway, especially this time of year, ugh I hate it). Yeah, I’m not going to run, I want to work on this and keep getting better no matter what. My therapist even told me I’m one of the most motivated clients he’s ever had, but I’d already been doing a lot of work on myself prior to when I started therapy. Things happen when you’re ready — one things’s for sure: self discovery is always an adventure. It really is! That’s how I look at it and what keeps me going. Like climbing Mount Everest!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I could not read this post and pass by without comment. I have many a time felt that horrible feeling that is so hard to name and my heart goes out to you. I try to remind myself in those moments that feelings can shirt and change quickly and they usually do. I pray this is the case for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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