Me and my unpopular opinions.

unpopular_opinions

My therapist made me cry tonight.

Here is what happened. We were discussing some of my narcissistic traits, in particular my covert need to feel special or superior.   The way I do this isn’t direct or overt.   Until very recently, I was never even aware I did this.

I finally realized today that I have this pattern of always siding against popular opinions, no matter what the topic is.  I thought back over my life, about forums and online groups I’ve participated in, real life groups I’ve been part of, and realized that I actually sort of like to stir the pot, and take on whatever is the unpopular view.  Sometimes I’ll do this even when I don’t really care one way or the other.    For example, there was this entertainment forum I used to post on.  There was a celebrity everyone there hated, and I really had no opinion one way or the other, but still, I found myself righteously defending this celebrity against the haters (and siding against who everyone else liked).   At the time I thought it was because I was defending an underdog, because I  do have a strong sense of justice.   And that was true, but it wasn’t the main reason.  The primary reason I took a different stand than everyone else was because doing so made me feel special, not part of the “group think.”  Hey, I wasn’t a sheep who couldn’t think for myself!  I had original ideas and was smarter than everyone else! I knew more!   I was special!  Of course I would never state this directly.  I always wanted to be thought of as a nice person.  As long as you thought of me as nice and smart, everything was hunky dory.   If you challenged either my intelligence or my good intentions,  I’d get all butt-hurt and plead innocence.  Or disappear in humiliation.  I had a habit of disappearing or leaving groups when my “superior” opinions were challenged–or when I was called out for acting like an arrogant know it all.  I couldn’t back up my arguments because I lacked conviction.   I never took a real stand on anything because I didn’t have any real convictions.  I only cared about myself.   Feeling strongly about issues outside of myself is something very new for me.

The other reason I sided with whatever was unpopular was because I have always felt like an underdog, and was never a popular kid.   So I could relate to underdogs and anything unpopular, even if it was a concept or a thing rather than a person.

This same pattern reappears over and over and over, as far back as I can remember.  In any group situation, either online or offline, I *always* find myself having a different opinion than everyone else, whether it’s politics, entertainment, home decor, food, music, or anything else.     I can be very contrary, and this is annoying to some people.   I can understand why too.  It’s because of this underlying feeling that I am better or smarter or something.  But it isn’t really that at all.   In reality, I feel like I might be inferior to you, so this “proves” I’m not.    I’m not always sure when I am being sincere and when I’m not, or is it just this need to feel special or smarter than everyone else? I’m not sure sometimes.   I think it’s a bit of both.   I do feel like my views about things on this and my other blog are my real, sincere ones.  I’m getting a lot better.

Of course, my contrariness would bring me the attention I craved– usually the negative kind, but I enjoyed stirring the pot and then sitting back and acting all innocent and wondering why *I* was being persecuted!   Now I feel like I’m on the outside looking in and the view makes me want to cringe in horror.

My point here isn’t about what my opinions actually are.   Sometimes I really do feel strongly about the “unpopular opinion,” especially recently.   It’s about my narcissism and my quest for the emotional empathy I lost.  Or feel like I lost.

I told my therapist about all this, and he pointed out the fact that I sided with underdogs  meant I was showing a kind of empathy.   Then he told me that I developed the narcissism as a protective shield to keep my empathy safely hidden so it wouldn’t be harmed and that I had done a good job as its guardian. (It also buried my roiling and uncontrollable borderline emotions so I didn’t have to feel them).

This happened toward the end of our session (it annoys me that if tears come, it’s usually in the last 5 minutes).  I just buried my face in my hands and cried.   I’m not even sure why I was crying but I just felt warm inside because he understood.   I also knew what he said was the truth and it really hit home.  He asked me what made me so emotional so I told him I never felt like anyone empathized with me and that  whenever anyone does, I’m almost overwhelmed with relief and gratitude, like someone who is starving and finally gets a hot meal.

I know this post is a little disjointed and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Everything is just so confusing to me right now.    I have a lot to process.

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14 thoughts on “Me and my unpopular opinions.

  1. He sees you. At least that’s what I’m understanding from him. It makes you cry because you’ve never been seen like this before. He’s also not being judgmental either so you can let go of all that emotion under that hard numb protective wall.

    Sounds like a productive session.

    I tend to like underdogs myself.

    I adopted a scruffy old chihuahua-mix years ago when there was a gorgeous two year old pure-bred chi sitting right next to her. If I could’ve taken both I would’ve but I decided on her because I thought the likelihood of someone else taking her was very slim. And surely the younger one would get snagged up quick.

    I’m also one for the unpopular opinion, or just a different one. There are times I just keep it to myself though.

    But as someone who lost herself in a relationship a very long time ago where I lost my own opinion about everything, I made a point to really look at that and get to know what my opinions were/are. I remember coming to the realization of that. It was alarming. I just made his opinion mine most of the time but I began finding myself very confused.

    I think it’s normal to sometimes not be sure what you think of something too. Sometimes processing and analyzing is necessary or there isn’t enough info to really decide one way or the other.

    Sorry, my little story-time really wasn’t trying to compare me to you or anything, it’s just the memories and thoughts that were triggered.

    I hope you are ok and not too overwhelmed by your session tonight. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, you nailed it. He does see me, as I really am, not my false self or someone I am not. He’s an empath and that’s the best quality a therapist can have, I think.

      Awwww about your little scruffy chihuahua! I have a soft spot for animals. They are so innocent and helpless. I get so angry when I see someone be cruel to animals. I spent several hours a few weeks ago watching animal rescue videos and just sobbed. One area where I have a LOT of empathy is when it comes to animals. And little kids. I don’t know why I kept watching those videos because they made me feel so sad. But I think the cathartic crying was a good thing and that’s why I kept watching them. Crying isn’t that easy for me, but things like that, movies, and certain music — always starts the waterworks.

      I didn’t think you were trying to compare yourself to me by sharing your story. I appreciate it, and I think you make a good point. I think I lost my own opinions about things because as a child I wasn’t allowed to have any. So later, I adopted the opinions of others (BPD) and finally, fabricated “opinions” which were part of my false self, not the real me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I just discovered your blog a few days ago, and it is very difficult to explain how it touched my soul. I’ve already read most of your post, and I would like to thank you for sharing all your opinions, feelings and also the resources. I diagnosed myself recently as a covert narcissist and started therapy a week ago. It seems I’m just at the beginning.
    This post is also so touching for me. I am feeling understood and not so alone. I’m completely confused about who I am, who is my true self, what my true self really want..etc.
    Anyway just wanna say hi and make me visible opposed to my routine, it might be my first comment ever in a blog though I read many of them for years 🙂

    Hugs from the hearth

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much and I’m glad you found your way here. It is confusing as hell, isn’t it? It’s like seeing everything backwards and in reverse. It’s disorienting and nothing makes sense. I’m trying to provide a safe healing space here and maybe we can all help each other. That goes for anyone suffering from trauma of course, even if it’s “only” C-PTSD. We’re all in the same boat, at the end of the day.

      Like

        1. So he already has a dx? That could be a problem since a lot of therapists won’t see cluster Bs. But there are some good trauma therapists who don’t automatically assume anyone with NPD doesn’t want to get better. DBT has also proven helpful for a lot of people with NPD (even though it was designed for BPD). I hope he does find someone soon.

          Liked by 1 person

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