Trust.

I have trouble trusting people who are too kind to me, because I always assume they will abandon me or turn on me later. So I avoid people who try to get too close.

The irony of this is I have this fantasy of just being held and loved unconditionally (not in a sexual way at all), just for being me, and this can bring me to tears. But in reality, I can’t let this happen and avoid that kind of closeness. It really sucks because I know that’s what I really need more than anything.

Tonight in therapy I was my 8 year old self and even found myself talking in a little girl’s voice. My therapist talked to me in a “daddy” voice. He even called me sweetie, the way you’d call a little girl sweetie. I liked that. It’s gotten a lot easier for me to slip into my child-self and actually become her. I pleaded in a higher pitched voice, “Daddy, please stop confusing me. I wish you could just love me.” Then I started to cry. That surprised me, but I think it was a kind of breakthrough.

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4 thoughts on “Trust.

  1. Hello, did you just reach into my mind and unceremoniously spill its contents out?? I deeply, deeply trlaye to this post and I’m so glad you shared. It helps clarify things. Sort of nudge me in the right direction, especially since my trust is so fractured and the moment. As always, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry that was a typo, I meant truly (I’m typing on my phone). Well in particular, about craving closeness but essentially being prevented by a fragile state of trust.

        It’s strange for me because I did have unconditional love growing up. I’m not trying to find fulfillment of it; yet I crave to be understood and accepted “out there” y’know? So far that hasn’t worked out for me, which makes me extremely wary of any displays of kindness because I fear strings attached.

        Eventually, I have to get over myself. But it’s clear now what my craving is and what the obstacle is.

        Liked by 1 person

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