I still always seem to screw up friendships.

Yesterday I did something that gave mixed messages to a friend, and the friend was understandably confused and hurt by this, which I can’t say I blame them for. I probably would have been just as upset if someone did that to me. I would think they were a hypocrite and I wouldn’t have been able to trust them. I’m sorry but I can’t get more specific than this.

When I gave the mixed messages (the first seeming to contradict the second–the second one being personally insulting to my friend), I wasn’t thinking. What I should have done was clarified the first message which would have explained the second and made me seem like less of a hypocrite. Then everything would have made more sense, I think. Or at least I might have been able to explain myself without being blocked by my friend first.

Fortunately I’m able to email my friend and try to straighten things out. Her friendship means a lot to me, and I felt like we could trust each other. It didn’t even occur to me last night that the mixed messages (and the insulting second one) would have been a problem. I feel like I’ve broken her trust and feel terrible about that. I still feel like I can trust her, though.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve sabotaged friendships because of stupid shit like this. As a borderline, I’m often confused and conflicted. Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m apparently not free of self-sabotaging and friendship-sabotaging behaviors that I’m not even aware I’m doing. Mindfulness, apparently, only goes so far.

I’m hurt about my friend blocking me, but I’m more upset right now with myself — because I know I was wrong and I didn’t even see this coming. I still have such a long way to go, and am still blind to much of what I say and do.

Maybe things can be repaired, or maybe not. I hope they can. But in the future, I’m going to be a lot more mindful about the kinds of messages I”m giving to people that might be sabotaging my relationships with them.

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6 thoughts on “I still always seem to screw up friendships.

  1. Hmmm. Well obviously I don’t know the situation, so just take this with a grain of salt, but you’re doing an awful lot of over thinking and analyzing your own behavior, as if you must walk on eggshells, as if you can never say the wrong thing without destroying the relationship. I used to do that with friends who were not very good for me, who actually triggered those old victim patterns and soon I was the one doing all the work of the relationship.

    In healthy situations, there is grace, forgiveness, people can sometimes be thoughtless and careless with one another and it is okay,it is just chocked up to having a bad day or being grumpy. There is no strain or fear that you might say the wrong thing, because the other person can take care of their own self. You don’t need to be hypervigilant and constantly worried about unintentionally hurting their feelings.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. IB, I do overanalyze and am very hypervigilant in interpersonal relationships, be they friendships or romantic relationships. I even get like that sometimes with casual acquaintances, like the clerk at the gas station. I remember recently spending an entire day feeling offended because the clerk had been short with me that morning. But I don’t even know this woman so why should I care so much? I remember alternatively ruminating throughout the day about “what I must have said” that made her so short with me. But maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe she was just having a really bad day or had things on her mind.

      I used to be much, much worse though. I drove myself crazy and of course was always miserable. Today I’m sometimes free of the self-imposed chains I’ve wrapped around my mind and soul and can stop being so hypervigilant and paranoid, obsessing about what people are thinking about me. It’s a long slow journey out of this mire but it is getting easier.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I find myself constantly over thinking what I do wrong with all my relationships to such a point it can be maddening. I have come to see that if two people focus on the positive & want to communicate about the undeniable negatives (things that absolutely cant be overlooked) they will both keep trying. Keep in mind I have no women friends lol…I wonder if I think differently than the typical woman or if something is just wrong with me but I continue to try without beating mysrlf up. Just my story Good luck with yours.& keep up your excellent blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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