Yesterday I did something that gave mixed messages to a friend, and the friend was understandably confused and hurt by this, which I can’t say I blame them for. I probably would have been just as upset if someone did that to me. I would think they were a hypocrite and I wouldn’t have been able to trust them. I’m sorry but I can’t get more specific than this.
When I gave the mixed messages (the first seeming to contradict the second–the second one being personally insulting to my friend), I wasn’t thinking. What I should have done was clarified the first message which would have explained the second and made me seem like less of a hypocrite. Then everything would have made more sense, I think. Or at least I might have been able to explain myself without being blocked by my friend first.
Fortunately I’m able to email my friend and try to straighten things out. Her friendship means a lot to me, and I felt like we could trust each other. It didn’t even occur to me last night that the mixed messages (and the insulting second one) would have been a problem. I feel like I’ve broken her trust and feel terrible about that. I still feel like I can trust her, though.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve sabotaged friendships because of stupid shit like this. As a borderline, I’m often confused and conflicted. Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m apparently not free of self-sabotaging and friendship-sabotaging behaviors that I’m not even aware I’m doing. Mindfulness, apparently, only goes so far.
I’m hurt about my friend blocking me, but I’m more upset right now with myself — because I know I was wrong and I didn’t even see this coming. I still have such a long way to go, and am still blind to much of what I say and do.
Maybe things can be repaired, or maybe not. I hope they can. But in the future, I’m going to be a lot more mindful about the kinds of messages I”m giving to people that might be sabotaging my relationships with them.