Grieving and progress.

grieving-5

I’m so depressed I had to call in sick at work and set up an emergency therapy session this afternoon.  I couldn’t sleep last night at all.   I spent the entire weekend crying.   This after so many years of not crying enough. This is more than just my SAD acting up.  That never got THIS bad before, even though it’s probably contributing to it.  I have no idea what set it off; it seems like everything’s a potential trigger.   Maybe nothing at all did; maybe this was inevitable.

I think last month something inside me really did “shift” and the initial response was happiness when I had no need of my defenses.   But I’m unable yet to reconcile living without them with the harshness of real life.   My therapist thinks I’m grieving and this is a necessary process but it’s excruciating.

He thinks I’ve slammed headlong into the “void” and have not learned how to fill the hole yet without my defenses protecting me and that’s why I feel like I’m losing my mind.    In Borderline Personality Disorder (and other PD’s) and C-PTSD this is called the “abandonment depression.”  Mentally, I know this is  good and means I’ve made more progress but emotionally it’s hell.    I have to keep telling myself this is not permanent and is necessary part of healing.    It does feel like a grieving process.  It’s hard to function.  But what exactly I’m grieving I’m not sure.  That’s what I’m going to find out.

I did see this post this morning and it made me feel a tad better.   Maybe it can help someone else too.

Depression Is Happiness

****

I also saw this.   It’s a little judgmental and “scolding” in parts, but also there’s a lot of truth here.

http://borderlinepersonality.ca/borderabandonwound.htm

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7 thoughts on “Grieving and progress.

  1. I’m sorry you feel this bad. I really hope you feel better soon and that your therapist can help you like the last time. It’s tough being in a depressive state like that. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Abandonment depression like this is so deep and intense, and impossible for those who don’t know or go through it to understand. But remember you are opening to the truth that has been repressed for a very, very, very long time. Make sure to find places and spaces to love and soothe yourself. Its such tough ground. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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