Contaminated memories.

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Last night I was temporarily able to get rid of the awful empty feelings I wrote about yesterday with a little “Cyclops Therapy.”   🙂
But it didn’t last.

I actually felt pretty good again until today.  Everything just makes me want to cry.  It’s not really depression; I’m not sure exactly what it is.   It’s just this yawning empty sad feeling. I spent a little time trying to examine the feeling, taking it apart to try to understand it.

It’s like every good memory I ever had is somehow contaminated by sadness or some other negative emotion arising from the sea of emptiness that lies beneath.   Once a good experience enters my long term memory, it’s shot through with painful longing and a feeling of great loss and even grief.   Or sometimes it’s contaminated by guilt, or knowing that it wasn’t going to last–not having any idea at the time of what sort of disaster was waiting just around the corner.  So my happy memories make me sad.

If you’ve ever seen the animated film “Inside Out,” you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Riley’s long term happy core memories were in danger of being touched by Sadness (a character depicting that emotion) and a few already were, so Joy (another character) tried to intercept so Riley’s happy core memories would stay that way.

Thank God I see my therapist tonight.   I really don’t know what all this means.  Maybe I’m on the edge of another big breakthrough.  I hope so!

 

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11 thoughts on “Contaminated memories.

  1. I’m really sorry you feel like this. I hope your therapist can help you through it and maybe detect what triggered this emptiness. Sending you love and thoughts.

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    1. Thank you! Geez, even you being so sweet makes me want to bawl right now but I appreciate it so much. ❤ I'm such a mess right now . 😦

      I wrote more about this emptiness last night (Barren Wasteland). So I went to the state fair hoping to get my mind off it, and was forced against my will to ride on The Cyclops (a very intense and scary ride!), I did it and didn’t die or even throw up! That made me feel better for a while, at least I got through last night and this morning okay, then that good feeling went away and the emptiness was back.

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      1. I’m sorry 😦 Just really hope your therapist could help you. Read the Barren Wasteland post and it explained a lot. But hope you can find some beautiful, ‘magical’ place where you live too, where you can escape everyday struggles and disappointments and just enjoy beauty. But I know it’s not the same as being away from it all.

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  2. Its just a thought but what would happen if you just accepted all that pain, sadness and emptiness:? It seems to me that in our culture there is such an unconscious script that we need to feel bright and light and happy. But if you look at the world and what is going on there is so much that is sad that goes on. For me I seem to never be able to totally move away from sadness. Its like the clouds that come and go. I am trying to learn to embrace the sadness when I am in in it. Its not easy and it does hurt but I just wonder why in our culture we have such a hard time embracing so called negative emotions, when at times these show in some way our soul is fully alive and not numb.

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    1. I am trying to do exactly this. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. It’s getting easier though. I also remind myself that nothing is forever, like you said, it’s like the clouds that come and go. Even when it rains, you know eventually the sun will come back out.

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      1. So true. I heard an interview in which Stephen Fry the English comedian and actor spoke about his depression and he spoke of feelings like the weather. He claimed that just like the clouds his depression came and clouded him for a time, but in time when he trusted the sadness passed. I read a very similar thing in a lovely book by a Buddhist teacher one day. It seems such a powerful metaphor.

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