Sometimes I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder,

“Why the fuck am I doing this?  Why in the name of all that is holy am I paying good money that could be spent on something enjoyable or at least useful (and that I can barely afford) on a process intended to cause me to face my shame and fears and submit myself to deep, dark wells of pain and hurt, a process that has never been proven to work and will probably take months or years to have any real effect, a process where there is no guarantee of healing at all?   Have I gone mad?”

And the answer always comes:

“There is no way in the universe you would not be doing this.   Before this, you had no hope.  You weren’t living life; you were existing. Ignorance was not your friend; knowledge and awareness is.  And it’s conscious awareness about what happened to you and what it did to your mind and soul that will make healing not only possible, but likely.   This is an adventure –not always fun, sometimes scary, sometimes devastating–but often very beautiful too.  Look!  You’ve already changed and are making tentative attempts at real connection without the defenses.  It’s scary and exciting and beautiful.  Keep going. Don’t ever give up or become complacent.”

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