Is my narcissist mother changing?


Something strange is happening lately, but I don’t dare get my hopes up yet.   My mother, who I’ve described many times on this blog, is an apparently unredeemable and hardened malignant narcissist who just recently talked trash about me to my own son and tried to keep him from allowing me to visit him.  (That was described in my recent post “Back on the Couch”).   I know she reads my other blog (Lucky Otter’s Haven) but I don’t think she knows about this one (though I could be wrong).

In that same post, I talked about my son’s revelation to me that my deceased dad’s wife never hated me (as I had believed).  I realized I’ve just been projecting onto her, just because she’s not emotionally demonstrative and I misunderstood her aloofness and matter-of-factness as coldness and hatred.    She even wants me to call her soon.  While my father was always disordered (either BPD or covert narcissism, or both),  he was never malignant and I always knew that he did love me, even if his expression of love for his youngest daughter left a lot to be desired.

After years of thinking I hated my mother,  I’ve realized I really do love her.   I wasn’t able to let go of my hatred of her until I let go of my hatred of all people with NPD.    In fact, I’ve developed compassion for her and although I remain (and intend to remain) No Contact with her (because she makes me so crazy and I have to),  I spend a lot of time in prayer for her deliverance from NPD, which has ruined both her life and the lives of those who have had the misfortune of being close to her.

A few days ago, she Liked a few of my posts on Facebook, including the photographs I took while I was in Florida with my son.   She also made a comment under one of my shared blog posts (I don’t share all my posts to Facebook –just the less personal ones–because so many of my family members would see them and I prefer they don’t).

Her comment was this:

“I think you are a fantastic writer.  I always love to read what you have to say.  You have so much talent.”


I almost felt lightheaded from the shock of this.   I read it again, this time between the lines.  There were no barbs, no judgment, no criticism of any kind.  Just an acknowlegment that she recognized that I’m a good writer. No, better than that.  A very good, talented writer.   And that she loved what I had to say.

This, after referring to my blog as “that thing” just a few weeks ago.

Of course, there’s a distinct possibility (in fact, likelihood) that she’s just hoovering me or love bombing me for some reason, with both that comment and all her recent Likes. Maybe she’s trying to draw me back into her web for some reason–after all, she’s quite up there in age, and probably realizes she doesn’t have much longer on this earth.

Or maybe she’s recognizing that she can no longer control me (I went to see my son anyway and we had a wonderful time, and I didn’t have the “bad influence” over him the way she had warned him).  Maybe she has some grudging respect for me now, after years of looking down on me.  I doubt it, but it’s not impossible.

Or maybe….my prayers are working.  Maybe God has listened to my pleas and is going to deliver her from her narcissism, so that she and I can have that 100-Kleenex reconciliation before she finally  shucks off this mortal coil.

I’m not going to get my hopes up, because the reality is, very, VERY few people as malignant as she is can ever change, especially at such a late age.   But miracles do happen in this world, and God can do anything if it’s in his will to do so.

I’m going to remain No Contact, because she could well be just hoovering me, and I’m no longer so gullible to believe everything a narcissist tells me, or so desperate to hang onto the slightest sign of love that I get all starry eyed and “malignantly optimistic” about the true state of their heart.

I love sappy movie endings, and always want life to work out the way they do in the movies.   I always cry whenever a hardened narcissist turns into a good guy or gal at the end and tearfully makes amends for all the pain they have caused their loved ones.  I know life isn’t a movie.  But still…miracles can happen.  The timing of her behavior on Facebook is odd, and it dovetails with all my prayers for her deliverance.  So only time will tell.

How beautiful and perfect if my mother’s decades-long hardened heart finally unfolds and she’s freed of her narcissism in time for us to finally have the mother-daughter, heart to heart talk we never, ever had and I never dared to hope for.    How lovely and bittersweet if we could finally hold each other the way normal mothers and daughters do, both of us weeping with regret and sorrow over the past and yet with gratitude and joy for the present.

If this is what’s happening, I don’t think it would ever have happened had I not let go of my hatred and fear of people with NPD.


6 thoughts on “Is my narcissist mother changing?

  1. I am doing the same with my nex, I am also staying no contact because I don’t know if it’s a trick. The fact she found my blog makes me think she is still hoovering over me and still looks me up online. I know she has seen my Facepage page. She was under People You May Know. But we do have to be careful with these people. But I get fantasies about she has actually changed and that she really did care about me and she decided to make changes to herself to get better because of how much she had hurt me and I would like to think that maybe she really did forget how she treated me so she created these fake memories in her brain because she couldn’t face what she did to me and she felt so bad. But these are all just pipedreams I have.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If she is changing, then of course that’s the best outcome, but still err on the side of caution. I have been lulled into a false sense of security/blind hope, only to be bitterly disappointed and hurt. Do look after yourself xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m assuming it means nothing or she’s trying to hoover me so I’m staying NC for now. She’d have to write me a letter or something that sounded really heartfelt and took responsibility for her emotional abuse of me before I’d take her seriously. But it’s still nice to hope.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry to say it, but I very much doubt she is changing. My narcissistic mother (now nearly 92 years old) still has the ability to cause deep hurt in me by the things she says. She also, very occasionally, says something pleasant to me (I also have the “Huh?!” moment when she does), but it has never led to her changing her ways or acknowledging what hurt she has caused me over the years. I’ve been as low contact with her as possible since I left home at the age of 17.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suspect you are right, but hope springs eternal lol. Yes, they do throw you those crumbs once in a while, since I’m NC I’m not sure what her motive would be, or even if there is one. Maybe once in a while they just feel more expansive or have a minute of non-narcissism or something. WHo knows? I’ll never fully understand the way their minds work.


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