Going with the flow.

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I wanted to get up early and walk on the beach at sunrise, but I guess I was so exhausted from my long drive yesterday and busy evening (also stayed up late blogging about it and chatting with my son) that my body needed extra sleep, and I didn’t get up until about 1 PM!

No worries though.  My son has to work all night tonight so he was still asleep too.   I quietly ate some cereal and headed out. I decided to go back to Rees Park, where we witnessed the sun set last night.   I felt like it was calling me back.  This time I had the presence of mind to wear a swimsuit.

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The day was hot, very hot–95 degrees and very sunny.    I drove to Rees Park and immediately smelled the ocean smell and felt the soothing sea breeze, making it seem cooler.    I noticed that unlike last night when we were there at low tide, the tide was now coming in.  There were no sandbars and there were very small waves (really, more like ripples), and a lot less of the beach was visible.   Banks of puffy white clouds dotted the horizon against the bright, almost electric blue of the sky.

I took off my sandals and stepped into the water.  It was as warm as bathwater!  So unlike the ocean water further north, even as far south as Myrtle Beach. Of course, this was the Gulf, a smaller body of water than the Atlantic Ocean, so that probably had a lot to do with the very warm temperature.

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I waded out into the water, and when I looked down, I saw small schools of tan colored fish swimming around my feet.  I squeezed my toes into the very fine, silt-like sand, an lowered myself into the water.   It was like sinking into a bathtub, only so much better.

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I closed my eyes and used the rest of my senses to feel nature around me.  I felt the ripples gently rocking me, and I just let my body respond to that, rolling over and floating and stretching every part of me that could be stretched.  I breathed in the salty air and listened to the seagulls on the shore.  I scooped up some of the silt-like sand into my hands, and squeezed the water out of it until the claylike substance squeezed out between my fingers and left a small ball in my hands.   I looked at it and could see many tiny shells and fragments of shells studded throughout the ball.    It felt so nice in my hands I decided to rub it all over my arms and then lifted my legs out of the water and rubbed some of it on those too.

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I looked around me and saw a few other people, also just relaxing and enjoying nature.    I had a short conversation with a woman lying in the water nearby, who was visiting her mother.   She said this was better than going to a spa, and I agreed.

I just sat there, not caring that the tide was now getting dangerously close to where I’d laid my things.  I looked down into the clear greenish water and then looked out where it seemed to stretch out into infinity, becoming dark blue as it receded into the distance.   I looked down again and there were those little fish swimming all around me, as if protecting me.    I looked back at the beach and gazed at the palm trees and listened to the hissing of their fronds in the gentle breeze.    For a rare moment, I was completely in the moment, not worrying about the future or fretting over something in the past.  I just was me, just a part of nature.  Not my ego or my achievements or my failures or my fear or my anger or my shame.   Just me.

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I felt the healing energy of the sun, sand and water that cradled me, and realized that this was all God’s doing.   It wasn’t the water rocking and comforting me, it was God holding me gently and using the warm water to do that.  I never felt like I got that from my family or anyone else I loved, but God has always been there, always ready to hold and comfort me.  All I had to do was ask and be open to it, which requires you to let go of defenses and become vulnerable. Being in nature helps you do that.   I felt a lump of gratitude form in my throat and thanked him for bringing me to this place.   Through grace, I knew I would be healed, that one day my mental disorders would be a thing of the past.

When I got back to the apartment, I found out an answer to an earlier prayer was answered favorably.   I think that has everything to do with what I found out on the beach today.

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32 thoughts on “Going with the flow.

  1. I would like to read each and every one of your posts. Is there a certain order in which I should read them? Where can I find the very first one, and on to the second, third, and so forth..? (Sorry, I get sorta confused easily 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Probably the best way would be to go to the archives and go to the earliest month, which was August 2015. You’ll have to scroll back to find the earliest date, since the most recent is always closest to the top. You can find hte archives by clicking on the “widgets” box in the top right hand corner (it’s a little hard to see but the theme won’t let me change it) and then scroll down until you see the archives, which is a drop down menu.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will! Also, some of my own posts might seem a bit harsh pertaining to Narcissists, and I do not mean any harm, except to heal myself through writing out my deeper thought. I ran into two in a row, and it’s been a rough ride. I mean no harm…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I hated narcs for awhile after going NC with mine (I was family scapegoat and married an MN/sociopath) and am definitely a victim of them but over time can no longer hate and have some empathy for them since I realized I may be low level N myself and already have a BPD diagnosis. It’s not a black and white issue; there are many shades of grey, and I’m in that grey area. Some people don’t understand and think you must be either “us” or “them” but that’s black and white (and actually very borderline) thinking because NPDs are also victims of abuse. Of course the anger is necessary when you’re trying to escape. But I don’t think it’s meant to be permanent because all that rage just eats at your soul and turns you narcissistic. I know, I’ve seen it happen to other bloggers.

          Now I try to understand, rather than hate. Understanding doesn’t mean Ns shouldn’t be avoided like the plague, and I definitely believe in NC (I am NC with both my ex and my mother–both very malignant narcs) but some low spectrum Ns can be self aware and want to change. I post on an NPD forum and have met some lovely people who have a NPD diagnosis! 😮 I know, it shocked me too. But they are hurting and deeply damaged people. As long as there is willingness to change and self awareness, I think they can teach us things about themselves and are quite willing to. As for myself, I don’t know if I’m N or not but I could be and don’t want to be anymore and that’s what this blog is all about. Some people like this new attitude I have, while others do not. This blog isn’t for everyone, but writing it is helping me. Let me know what you think of what you’ve read.
          I hope all my rambling made sense.
          I think I’ll actually turn this into a new blog post.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I, myself, have Borderline traits but DBT Skills help me immensely, as well as much inner-child therapy I have been working on. I very much like your concept of seeing things from the perspective in which you do. It is a very graceful path to take, and I would like to also take this same road; this is why your blog caught my attention. I would like the grip that anger has on me to be lessened.

    I feel further betrayed because I was hooked by the NPD/HPD via an actual Victims of Narcissists Support Group on Facebook. He was a fellow Administrator on the group, and I was very vulnerable, and freshly out of a former relationship from a previous Somatic Narcissist.

    Just as there are some psychologists who are mentally ill, and some religious leaders that commit hideous crimes, so there are Narcissist Support Group Administrators who are Covert Narcissists, themselves, who prey on their members, and even bully them.

    My anger is further fueled by the knowledge that he is back on this same forum, again, as a Co-Administrator, and due to his abuse being so covert and “under the radar”, his Smear Campaign of me caused much emotional harm, as well as did his discard and “cut and dry” ghosting of me, the one whom he had called his “soulmate”, and wanted to marry. It is really quite a long story. His triangulation, baiting, antagonizing, and gaslighting of me were severe, and insidious.

    Is the forum in which you are speaking a Facebook Forum for others to learn from, as well? I think it would do me well to see the kinder side of Narcissists, and thus gain a different, and possibly, a less stereotypical perspective on those inflicted with Narcissism.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tamara, I am so sorry that happened to you. The internet is full of “support” groups that are anything but. I have my own horror stories. I hear Facebook is especially bad, though I’ve managed to avoid those (I hate Facebook and considered deleting my account).
      No, the forum I’m talking about is actually psychforums.com , an old school sort of forum that is awesome. I’ve learned so much there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your encouragement. I have thought of deleting my FB account, too. In fact, I have at times, only to reactivate it, again, because I do have a few very lovely friends on there. Perhaps I will check out the forum you are talking about. Feel free to message me, anytime. I very much enjoy speaking with you as you seem to really understand. That’s a nice feeling after so much invalidation from the past relationship, and all of his women FB friends who have been harassing me, and laughing at me. I think I will definitely delete my Facebook Messenger. ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Facebook sucks. 😡 I am so tempted to delete my account, There’s so much drama, and family members I’d prefer don’t see my account (or me having to see theirs) — but I can’t bring myself to delete it for 2 reasons: my daughter’s on there a lot so I can sometimes check on her that way; and because I share SOME of my posts there (the less personal ones). I also don’t want my real name connected with this or my other blog. I do have a few friends on FB but rarely use it anymore for anything personal.
          I much prefer Twitter. Do you have a Twitter account? I’m @orangepeel18 there (Lucky Otter) if you want to follow me. You can also follow me from the Twitter feed that’s in my sidebar here.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Lucky Otter, what a beautiful post….i am so glad you had this lovely experience on the beach….completely agree re: God’s healing. i went to Cornwall last year and it was so healing being on the beach, sitting in large sand and rock pools and swimming in the sea.

    Liked by 1 person

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