I’m tired so this won’t be a very long post. I’m finally feeling like what I always thought was my “weakness” is really my strength. I’m slowly learning to love myself. As real self love (not my ego) grows, I find that I’m finding my direction and also getting bolder–that is, worrying less about what others think of me, but staying true to what I believe and value. I have more integrity than I used to have because I’m not always trying to “people please.” A vision of what my future may hold is finally beginning to emerge.
I used to alternate between being cold, distant, and stuffing all my emotions with episodes of acting out in sudden bursts of rage, anxiety, or frustration. I had intense obsessions on people and things that would give me no rest. My social awkwardness–really caused by my fear of what others thought of me (I actually self-diagnosed as having Aspergers)–manifested as either overfriendliness or unfriendliness, depending on the situation, person or my mood. No one, not even me, could predict how I’d behave from one moment to the next.
With blogging and mindfulness, I got my sudden outbursts and unpredictable behavior under control but accessing real emotions outside of the reactive ones (mostly anger, fear and shame) was still an issue for a very long time. Moments of real happiness were rare and elusive. I was still miserable, but just was better at acting like I felt normal.
Although I no longer overreact to things the way I used to, I’m actually feeling MORE emotion–and the quality of these emotions are very different. They are “softer” and more sublime; and they seem more human–instead of the primitive “survival” emotions of a wild animal (or a symptomatic borderline). Best of all, a little of the empathy I had so much of as a child that I’d cry if I saw a wounded butterfly or just knew if a stranger was sad even though they were smiling have been freed to me (I always had it, just couldn’t access much of it), and that’s allowing me to see possibilities where before I saw none at all. This all began with learning how to empathize with my hurt inner child.
I still have such a long way to go, and can’t say I’m really a happy person yet, but my therapist said he sees a lot of progress lately, and I can feel that progress happening inside of me, and it’s awesome.