Stumbling up the mountain.


I heard from my friend that I referred to in my ego vs. empathy post. It turns out I was partly right–she has just been very depressed and was sleeping it off, not even able to bring herself to post or answer emails. I can relate because I used to sleep off my deep depressions too. I just wanted to escape from life and avoid everything because it was all just too painful; even the simplest things were excruciating. So I’ve been there and it really sucks. If I could give my friend a big hug right now I would. But I’m just glad she is okay and my dumb fears of rejection were unfounded. I waste so much time worrying about things that never happen and relationships and friendships are the hardest for me because it’s so hard for me to trust. But I’m learning. Someone told me once that when you worry about something and your fears come to pass, you live through it twice; and if it never happens, you just wasted all that time worrying. Makes sense to me. I just wish I could internalize it so my emotions obey!

She is as broken as I am but underneath all her pain I can see someone who has a tender heart. I feel like we’re just these two hurting, broken people stumbling along this rocky and steep and treacherous road together, helping each other up when we fall down, and with only one goal in mind–to reach the pinnacle of the mountain before us, where a beautiful vista awaits. There’s no way I’m going to miss that view, and already I can sometimes see glimpses of it through the dark forest that seems to never end–and those brief glimpses inspire and motivate me to keep moving along.

One day, maybe not in the too distant future, I will be able to see that breathtaking panorama and feel life in all its fullness and breathe in all its colors and wonders and feel all the love and goodness that’s always been there, waiting for me to reach out and grab it and drink it in and let it nourish my soul.

I think she will get there too. We’re stumbling along. Holding each other up. Never giving up. One day at a time. Life awaits.

It helps to not be taking this journey all alone. This is just the beginning. I know there are many other people at different points on this same road. Maybe some have taken a different path but they all lead to that beautiful vista. We may feel like we’re all alone in this life, but we’re not. There are so many people in this world who are hurting. We all need each other; we need to connect with each other because that connection can facilitate healing and make the journey to the top less scary and dangerous.

I feel so hopeful right now.


4 thoughts on “Stumbling up the mountain.

    1. I used to be shy about these kinds of posts, but after two years of doing this, I pretty much hold nothing back anymore. “Running naked in public” is so liberating and I’ve never regretted it. It was scary at first!
      I just post what I feel and usually people appreciate my candor. And if they don’t, it’s not my problem and they can go read another blog.

      I just wish I could be this candid and open in real life. I’m still painfully shy and avoidant (but a little less so!) People IRL seem to like me more than they used to (or maybe they always did but I couldn’t see it because I was so full of shame and self hatred).

      Liked by 1 person

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