So it’s even worse than I thought.

myfuckingprogramming

Those EVIL fuckers made me think this about myself all my life and denied me the tools to ever have a good life.  They continue to twist the knife even deeper now that my father’s dead.

So. I  just found out via Facebook (yep, Facebook really is the devil!) that my son is being sent plane tickets to attend my father’s memorial service. I was lied to and told by my father’s wife “they didn’t know when they are having one.” That’s right. I am not invited. I feel like…all the good changes in me are going down the toilet. Way to screw me even after death.

I also am afraid the family is attempting to drive a wedge between me and my son. Funny, about a year ago, my parents said to me, “where did HE come from”? Meaning, he is wonderful and how could two fuckups like you and your (ex) husband have a child like that? I will NOT let this turn me against my son, but I’m afraid he might be swayed to their side when all this is over.

I’m triggered to the max, so triggered ALL my BPD traits are in full bore right now, so I can’t even judge if what I do right now is the right thing or not. I’m acting on impulse, much as I used to, mindfulness is in another universe. Here is what I wrote on his Facebook wall in a fit of rage (not at him, but at my fucked up excuse for a “family”):

devilfamily1

devilfamily2

I have an emergency appointment with my therapist tomorrow.  I’m praying a lot too, I hope God hears me.  I was screaming and crying like a 2 year old on the phone.   It enrages me that I’m not allowed to really grieve because of all this, because I’ve been fucked so royally up the ass how could I feel anything but rage and betrayal?  Why have I been denied being able to feel the normal grief feelings someone should feel when their father dies?   Why have I been denied a place in the family where support and unconditional love are given in times of need and loss?  Why couldn’t my parents have loved me?  WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MAKE THEM TREAT ME LIKE THIS???????  Is there any justice???  Lady Karma has a lot of  ‘splaining to do.

I just deleted the messages, but they’re here for anyone who wants to see them.  I hope that nest of vipers I call a family sees them.  They need to be exposed.

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12 thoughts on “So it’s even worse than I thought.

  1. I’m really sorry. When my father died, I had to fight the family too and it’s really hurtful how controlling and abusive they can be. One thing I can tell you, if you can get calm and strong, you win. Success is always the best revenge.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am really sorry for you. It made me sad to read this. I pray to God that all is okay with you and that somehow you will feel better. Bless you.
    Please ask your son what he thinks about all this. Maybe he is really not on their side…
    I pray for you 🙏🏻🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He isn’t really on their side, but also wants to stay on their good side. He is very empathetic toward me but is kind of caught in the middle of things. I don’t blame him for this, it can’t be helped, They have done a lot for him. I do appreacite that too. My son says he will “share” with me, although that makes me feel bad because things shouldn’t have to be that way.

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      1. Of course it shouldnt have…
        Its very sad for Ian to be in the middle and sad for you. Families can be very cruel to their members sometimes..
        Try to take it as calm as possible. In this situations its better to wait and not to speak out of emotioms because words cant be erased.
        I know its very hard to manage negative feelings like anger and not explode but look for a way to let go of the anger so that you can communicate in a rational balanced way. Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oops, did I forget to delete his name there? I can’t fix it now, oh well. I’m sorry he is in the middle too. He did say he will “share” whatever he gets with me but it should NOT have to be that way! (assuming I’ve been disinherited which I’m pretty sure I am). I’m trying to be calm, I have an emergency appt. with my therapist (God bless him for offering–I called him up crying and screaming yesterday). My family is cruel and sick. It’s always been like this with them. I appreciate your support and prayers though. I’ll be alright but it’s going to take some time.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some peace. What an awful position they’e put your son in. From personal experience, I think it was intended to cause resentment between you and your son. It’s very sick that narcissists stoop as low, as to use a family member’s death as leverage in their horrid abuse campaigns. My thoughts are with you.

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      1. It sounds like something my narcissistic family members do on a regular basis. They don’t like the family scapegoats to have strong relationships, so they seek to destroy them; through triangulation. My awful Grandmother used to do things like sending my Dad (her son) nothing for his birthday, and sending me money on mine; as an attempt at causing trouble between us. I used to just split the money with my dad, and make a point of telling her what I’d done. It’s pathetic really, the lengths they’ll go to, to try to create conflict.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Michelle here, you nailed it. Protect your son and yourself from people, as such low lives take you down for pleasure.

    As lonely it can be, and disappointing, look in the mirror. Pray for strength.

    Cry. I cry for years.
    Good for the tears to clear the soul you have. Your soul is more valuable.
    You are not alone.
    Bye

    Liked by 1 person

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