My first really unpleasant therapy session.

Triggered_Asami05

It was supposed to be Chair Girl’s gift opening day, but I completely forgot because of my father’s death, so that co-opted everything I had planned to talk about. I spent half the session talking about my guilt feelings over not being able to grieve. I spent the next quarter reminiscing over pleasant memories I had with him.

But when only 15 minutes remained, I got triggered. I remembered that as the family scapegoat, for a long time now there have been hints and other indicators that I have been disowned and will be left out of my father’s will. I know my son is getting something. I worry that even my Narc mother, who he has been divorced from since 1972, will get something–and if SHE gets something and I do not, I will go ballistic. I may not be responsible for my actions if THAT happens.

All these people in my family talk among themselves, they have conversations that do not include me, and I am never privy to what is being said. My daughter has been disinherited too. I was never told outright I was disinherited, but I have reason to think I am, and I think my father’s wife brainwashed him to disinherit me. They all know how poor I am but I really don’t think anyone gives a shit, and what’s more, they all think I deserve it.

I don’t even trust my son. What has he been told by the family that he isn’t telling me? In my mind I imagine he’s been told he will inherit a healthy sum with a caveat that he shares none of it with me, his own mother. Or even that he can tell me nothing about what he received? Why would he say no? Any 24 year old would probably throw his own mother under the bus if it meant he’d never have to worry about money again. I wonder if his conscience would kick in at some point. Would he finally say something? I don’t know. Or would he sell out to the Narc Family Status Quo and become just another flying monkey to the Powers That Be?

So I’m in panic mode right now. I’m suspicious, paranoid and hypervigilant. I’m dreading when the will is read and I get the letter or the call. Or, is it possible they could all just leave me completely in the dark, so I only find out about my being left out through others in the family who got their inheritance? I really have no idea how these things work. I just know that soon, the cat will be out of the bag. I know this post makes me sound like a greedy, entitled, materialistic person, but it’s not that. It’s not the money per se. I wasn’t a bad daughter. I wasn’t a drug addict or a criminal. Hell, I didn’t even come out as gay (an unfortunate but common reason for parents to disown children).

I tried to be good, I tried to please everyone. I tried my best; I really did. And I apparently failed. What did I do wrong? I’ll tell you what: I didn’t become “successful” in life. I didn’t become a yuppie with a late model car and a high end home. I don’t have a high paying or “important” career. I’m poor and of the “wrong” social class. And I’m blamed for it, even though the emotional and financial tools others have to succeed in life were denied to me. Being left out of my father’s will would be like the final “fuck you.” The crack of the judge’s gavel at the end of a long trial, announcing that court is adjourned and you have been proven guilty. Guilty for BEING THE VICTIM OF A CRIME. That final fuck you would be all the proof I ever needed that my dad never loved me either, and that would devastate me because for years I’ve hung onto a thread of hope that he loved me at least a little. If something does come through for me (even if it’s less than what others get), I will at least feel like he didn’t think I was complete garbage, and for someone as love-starved as me, even a few crumbs of love tossed my way might be enough. Yeah. That’s how pathetic I am.

If I get nothing, I am done. I am done with everyone in my pathetic excuse of a family who treated me like a second class citizen and a loser. I am done with those shallow, narcissistic people who devalued and abandoned me just because I was the person who I was and didn’t live up to some impossible expectations that I was never capable of meeting. If that happens, I will never speak to any of them again. I don’t know how I’ll handle the rage I’ll feel. Will there be anywhere for it to go that doesn’t involve doing or saying something I’ll regret? I can’t imagine I’ll be able to hold it in. I’ll feel like that guy in the movie “Falling Down” who just had it with everything and everyone and went postal.

Right now I’m a nervous wreck, just waiting. Expecting devastating, infuriating, hurtful news. Bracing myself for salt being rubbed in my already gaping wounds. I imagine them laughing at my hurt, rage and pain. I feel like a horrible person that I’m more worried about what my inheritance might be (or that I won’t get one) than I am about my father’s recent illness and death.

This was what we ended the session talking about, and I left feeling just horrible. I was close to tears and my therapist apologized for having to end the session while I was so triggered, but at least he offered to see me twice next week (even though I probably can’t do it next week).

Right now, I’m sitting here crying while I write this post–tears of dread and intolerable anxiety and also pre-emptive rage (rage before anything has even happened). And the possibility of knowing, very soon now, just how hated a daughter I really was.

And this is why my therapist thinks I can’t grieve. Because I can’t allow myself to grieve as long as I feel like there’s a possibility I may find out I wasn’t loved or valued at all, by anyone in my family. I will cry if I do fin out that’s the case, but they will be bitter tears of rage and hurt. If I find out my fears were groundless, only then will I be able to grieve the way a daughter should be able to grieve for her dead father.

I’m sorry this post isn’t very coherent. I’m an emotional wreck.

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22 thoughts on “My first really unpleasant therapy session.

  1. Your post was very coherent to me. Your pain is clear and your fear for what happens next really struck me. I just wanted to say, I believe there is no ‘should’ when it comes to emotions. None of us can control how we feel; our feelings are the truest parts of ourselves. All we can do is try to manage them. You can’t force yourself to grieve if it isn’t authentic to your experience right now. It will come when you’re ready for it. Please be gentle with yourself and try to think about now, rather than racing through possible catastrophic scenarios. I know that’s easier said than done – I can rarely do it myself – but it is sound advice that I’m always given!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I echo what Laura wrote…you are in deep pain and this death has opened a hornets nest for you. All of your feelings are totally understandable and you most certainly dont sound like a greedy materialistic person at all. Be kind to your self. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Opening a hornet’s nest is an accurate way to put it. I feel like I’m never going to be ok again. What worries me more than anything is the possibility my son might throw me under the bus.
      It’s like…seeing enemies in every corner. I don’t trust anyone right now.

      Why am I making my dad’s death all about me? Maybe I really am a narcissist.

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        1. Hi LO yes. Put it in Gods hands πŸ™πŸ» and its anyway out of your control. All the best πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»β˜€οΈ

          Liked by 1 person

      1. I do understand when you dont get a lot of support or nurture this is how it works out and if youve been hurt and feel you have to go on high alert due to very real fear of bad things happening again as they did before its challenging to say the least. Dont be too hard on yourself but also maybe realise your worst fears may not come to pass…bug hug

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  3. I also agree with what Laura said. There is so much baggage attached to your family. If your father left you out though, it could have been because of new wife. He may not have been strong enough to fight her and unfortunately you will probably never know.
    I hate like hell that this is happening. My heart hurts for you. I would try very hard to fit therapist in for the 2 sessions next week. I know it’s hard, but you need to vent. You have a lot to get out and the sooner the better.
    ❀ and Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lucky Otter, I’m sorry you are in so much pain. And no, I don’t think at all that you are a narcissist. What is hard right now is all of the unknowns, there are a few ways this could play out. Would it help if I suggested that you put the matter into Gods hands? But if there is opportunity to stand up for yourself, I would. I would inquire when the time is right about your share. If only I had spoken up in my family things might have been different for me now. I always kept quiet and wanted to be respectable, it got me nowhere and I live in a poverty like you do. I had a very knowledgeable friend once tell me that in healthy families inheritances are equally divided.

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    1. My family isn’t healthy and the inheritance won’t be equally divided. I’m doing a lot of praying right now, it does help some. I can’t do anything about it yet anyway, since it hasn’t happened.

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  5. Dear Luckyotter, I’m praying for you. You are not being narcissistic at all. It is not about the money it is about inclusion being treated as “one of us”. The history of a scapegoat is full of moments of exclusion, ways you are informed that you aren’t invited to the party because you are different and unwanted. WHen a will comes it is extremely emotion laden particularly in a narc family. The scapegoat has had the experience of being lied about, of having close family members alienated with those lies. The will is sort of the proof of how far those lies went
    . Like you I was never included in the conversations about the will or planning.
    The will is a testament of affection and so, you are experiencing what I call anticipatory fatigue. But the thing is, people that have been narcissistic don’t usually stop being so with time, they usually get worse. My experience with the will reading was that although my dad left me a nice inheritance my entitled narcissist siblings were infuriated that I got anything at all. I saw what narcissism really looks like up close with them after that. As soon as the will was read my brother looked at my sister and said about the portion I was left “that is never going to happen” They promptly quick speaking to me, and got a lawyer.
    It turns out a lot of money can buy the law. They overturned the will on some technicality and divided the bulk up between themselves leaving me a fraction of what my dad intended. How that happened I still don’t understand. My dad in his death didn’t go along with the family dogma she is the loser that deserves nothing and yet, they found a way to make that happen. In my part it wasn’t greed, I was facing imminent homelessness caused by terrible health issues while my siblings both were quite wealthy and had need of nothing I just wanted to be treated equally as valuable as any one else. But narcs, do what they do. I pray you will have the grace to face what will be. My siblings have to live with a conscience of what kind of people they are to rip off the housing and survival money from someone about to be homeless recovering from cancer?

    I pray you have all the grace needed for however this goes

    .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My daughter told me today she is not in the will. She told me her brother (my son) told her I am not either. But this was a few years ago when I was still with my narc ex, and my dad was infuriated that I went back with him after he paid for the divorce. I think that’s understandable, but hopefully things have changed now that I have been single for 2 years. I’m still worried as hell though. Ugh.

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  6. If you are named in the will, you are supposed to get a copy of it, but, that doesn’t always happen. I didn’t get copy(s) in at least once large will I was named in. I got a copy myself many, many years later after things played out in a not nice way family-wise at The County Surrogates Office. I would think acting on it sooner rather than later is wise.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am really sorry about the treatment your family gave you. I don’t think that any individual is deserving to be treated badly especially by family themselves. I wanted to say that in spite of how they treat you deserve better. I hope that you would find some closure on what happened and I want to say that you will always have a place in this community. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It will take me a long time, I know, but maybe I’m just catastrophizing (I hope!) If not, I have to stay very close to God and to this community of supportive people many who are in the same sorry situation of being the family scapegoat/blacksheep.

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