Avoidance.

avoidance

The troll attack I mentioned in my last post isn’t the only reason why I haven’t been writing on this blog much lately. There just hasn’t been a lot to write about. I still see my therapist, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve hit a wall. Most of our sessions seem to have reverted to me telling him a lot of entertaining “stories.” I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I realized after our last session that I’ve been avoiding confronting something. I told him this, but I wasn’t able to define what that something was.

Today I remembered what it was. Sometimes I wake up into what I call my “black mornings.” They also happen when I’m trying to take a nap or even just relax. It’s an overwhelming feeling of dread and black despair, but I can’t escape the feeling by burrowing back into the cocoon of sleep. Once this feeling hits me, the only way to escape it is to get up and get busy–anything to push it back to the far corners of my subconscious mind. When that happens I feel like a kid sticking their fingers in their ears and singing “LALALALALALA” because they don’t want to hear what you have to say.

In a relaxed, half-asleep state, my subconscious thoughts come forward, and these thoughts and feelings are sometimes very unpleasant. I can’t pinpoint exactly what they are or what caused them, but they seem to arise from the emptiness I feel inside–or even be the emptiness itself. I know this sense of dark nothingness is a flashback to the abandonment depression that started in my early childhood.

I know what I have to do now. I have to dive inside this emptiness and explore it. I asked my therapist to stop me when I start deflecting and talking about irrelevant things and direct me back to where I need to go. He said he was waiting for me to get to this point.

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