Grieving.

I need to grieve over what I have lost. I need to mourn the self I could have been and am finally discovering after so many years of being lost to BPD and C-PTSD.

The three or four silent tears I’ve shed in therapy don’t cut it. I need to be able to really break down and let go, complete with deep convulsive sobbing and floods of snot and tears. It’s frustrating to me that I haven’t been able to do this yet, because I feel all that grief still bottled up inside me and like a poison it drags me down, saps my energy, and sometimes physically hurts. Eventually it will kill me if I don’t let it go.

My therapist is helping me get there, but I’m impatient. I want it to happen right now. I know I’ll feel so much better when I can cry deeply and without shame. I think training my Judge to tone down the criticisms and cut me a little slack might help me to grieve the way I need to.

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