One reason why I still think I’m on the N spectrum.

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Even though my therapist has assured me I don’t have NPD, I am pretty certain I’m on the spectrum (there are some experts who believe all Borderlines are really narcissists–see my post What Is a Borderline Narcissist?). I’ll write more about this at a later point, but here’s an example of something I do that I think is very narcissistic, even though it’s not really damaging to anyone else.

Okay, so here it is. I get a lot of supply from my therapist. Sometimes I act kind of grandiose to get that supply. Sometimes I find myself trying to impress him even though that’s not my intention for being there and I try not to do this because I know it’s detrimental to the outcome of therapy. Once he told me he thought I was a good storyteller and I was so puffed up by that I continued to try to “entertain” him and tell compelling stories, sometimes even embellishing small details. I also try to impress him with my psychological knowledge. I want to be thought of as intelligent (which I am), and he definitely seems to think I am. I have no idea if he knows I’m playing this game. Like I said, it’s not really intentional and I try to stop myself when I catch myself doing it, but it’s like some kind of drug I just have to have.

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7 thoughts on “One reason why I still think I’m on the N spectrum.

  1. I really admire you for writing this. I’m not sure if it is narcissistic though (but I question myself over similar things…), partly because it is specific to one person, although I actually know little about narcissism. Theories definitely associate to borderline traits (and other PDs) the idea of idealising someone as a hoped-for parent figure from childhood. If you are unconsciously viewing your therapist like this, it would make sense to want them to think highly of you and to try to impress them (part of how you value yourself is invested in them). This is the natural way children react around parents. I also have little idea how much human beings naturally seek to impress people they like, or admire, in general. I know that “healthy” people do, especially regarding people they want to date etc. I really don’t know. I’d be interested in your views on these suggestions.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with andreabehindglass on that. As I believe the therapist serves as the parent we didn’t have. It’s good that you are aware of this thing you do and you are also very honest about it. He/she probably knows. I think the main difference here between a BPD and N is that BPD’s tend to blame themselves and turn it inward whereas the N blames others and may turn it outwards.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. Borderlines can have many N traits, but they aren’t likely to blame others or project as much as real narcissists do. That’s why they can get more out of therapy (and seek out therapy) more often than narcissists. I don’t like to have these traits. I’m working on them.

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