You might have noticed I changed my tagline–and I’m about to change the description of this site. Since I’ve been in psychotherapy I realized I don’t have NPD after all (I am definitely BPD though). I was sure I was a covert narcissist, and yes, I believe I have narcissistic traits and am on the spectrum but I still don’t qualify for the diagnosis. I still could be one, but my therapist doesn’t think so and I no longer do either.
I do think that what happened to me when I went down the rabbit hole back in August wasn’t a delusion. I was still encountering my lost true self and had a glimpse of who I actually was. Just because I don’t have a well-developed false self (BPDs generally don’t but are more likely to be chameleons who “wear the mask”–they pick up the attitudes of those around them) doesn’t mean I don’t have serious problems accessing my true one. All personality-disordered individuals have problems accessing the TS. So what I’ve written in this blog so far is valid, because it was my experience of myself and my world at the time of writing. I’m not sure why I was so certain I had NPD. It is fairly common for narcissistic abuse survivors to believe they are themselves narcissists–and of course NPD is one of the end results of being the child of Cluster B parents. I still consider myself to be on the spectrum so I can empathize with the issues people with NPD (or any personality disorder) face when they begin to examine themselves and realize what’s inside is a hurting little boy or girl afraid to be too vulnerable shielded and hidden by powerful defense mechanisms usually erected during early childhood.
Lately this blog has become more of a therapy blog, where I discuss my own psychotherapy that I entered into last month, when it became obvious to me I could no longer be my own therapist because the gravity of the issues that were coming up were too much for me to handle alone. I want to continue to write about this aspect of my healing journey as it’s become such a huge part of my life and is teaching me more than I ever thought possible. That doesn’t mean I won’t write about other things–new research, anecdotes, and general observations–but the focus, at least for now, will be on my therapy.
If you are a self-aware person with NPD or BPD and are finding this blog helpful, I hope you will continue to read. But I think this blog’s new focus on my own therapy might open it up to those who do not have NPD or BPD but suffer from other disorders such as Complex PTSD (common in abuse survivors and probably the basis for all the personality disorders). If only there was more understanding that self-aware people with NPD who want to heal and people with other disorders really aren’t very different–the difference between them is a matter of degree rather than quality, with the NPD person’s defenses so strongly built their true self is almost (and sometimes completely) inaccessible.
At the end of the day, a label is just…a label. And labels can be damaging and limiting.
I see no reason to change the broken-mirrors theme, as all people with personality disorders or complex PTSD are seeing the world and themselves as if through broken shards of sharp glass, and have been emotionally compromised by not having been mirrored enough as children. Alice in Wonderland is also appropriate, for as we begin to heal, the world we find ourselves in is often surreal and we feel dissociated from reality. As for the URL it’s going to remain the same for now, since changing it costs me money. And of course, NPDers may find help here too.