I’ve always, for my entire life, felt that the world was a hostile place and that most people are filled with hatred and hate me in particular. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, expecting disaster any moment. I automatically interpret any neutral facial expression as a hostile one. I’ve been told I was left alone in my crib to “cry it out” and was often ignored by my drunken, self-involved parents and never mirrored or given any empathy. I also received lots of mixed messages from them (as both the scapegoat and golden child) and being a highly sensitive kid, I was always a target for bullies.
My therapist told me I have a lot of insight for someone just starting therapy. When asked if I felt like “myself” in early memories, I said I couldn’t connect an emotion to those early memories. It’s almost as if I was a different person, almost a cartoon character or someone from a book I read. It seems as if there are blank spaces or gaps in the timeline drawn between the early-me and the now-me that’s causing an emotional disconnection.
I feel like I chose the right therapist and one with high empathy too.