Taunting the waves.

Giant swell caused by southerly winds, Cook Strait, New Zealand.
Giant swell caused by southerly winds, Cook Strait, New Zealand.

I walk down to the sea
and taunt the waves
coaxing them and beckoning
Come get me, get me, get me

Knock me over and take my breath away

You can’t get me

I laugh into the the featureless canvas
of an azure blue sky
and stare defiantly into the sun’s core
until my eyes water and burn and

Then roll in the wet coarse sand
oblivious to the abrasions and the blood
I think I have this force conquered
In my grandiosity I delude myself

I know nothing. I’m nothing compared to this
the forces of the earth
the forces of my traumatic life
the negative forces of the void within

My fear immobilizes me
I am dissociated, not myself
and very much afraid
I try to get up but cannot
I lie there motionless as the waves pummel and pulverize
Indifferent to my blood and tears
Behind my swollen eyelids all I can see is an infinity of darkness

Help me, I whimper as my mouth fills with sand
and mix with the tears in my throat
I can barely breathe
and I surrender

An upwelling of strength allows me to rise
I dry myself off and put Bandaids on my wounds
I am humbled
but I am freer than I’ve ever been.

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