The subjective experience of having NPD

isolated-youth

I saw this post describing the experience of having NPD (written in 2008 by someone I do not know) on Psychforums and think it’s both accurate and extremely well written, so I’d like to share it. What really got me was this: “For me, the world is an incredibly hostile place.” Narcissists see the world as hostile and are constantly attempting to protect themselves from attack or worse, annihilation. They are mentally ill people and I do not believe chose their disorder, at least not consciously.
I’ve highlighted the parts I can relate the most to.

Most of the time I feel rather empty. What I do feel is bland. Someone mentioned a “black hole” analogy I think? With that, I very much agree. It’s isolating and lonely. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for sympathy!

The only emotions I can really put my finger on and identify are anger, humiliation and shame, alongside a general depression which varies from mild to severe and a seething hatred towards everyone. The only relief from this that I know of is delusion.

For me, the world is an incredibly hostile place. I perceive the tiniest little things as attacks, even though, logically, I know that they are not. But in the moment, no matter how much I logic, I just feel humiliation and then anger, intense anger for feeling that way, and like a child, I blame the trigger.

I’m not prone to rages though. My Father has N traits (would never know if he is PD or not though, it would never occur to him, he thinks he is mild tempered, his image of himself is incredibly delusional) and he has had violent rages all throughout his life. I have spent my whole life trying not to be my Father. Unfortunately, I don’t think it really worked. My rage does come out in other ways though.

Last of all, I want to point out that, in my case, for the most part I genuinely don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t know if that’s because of empathy or because it’s a general rule, but I think the latter. In the past I have hurt people in pursuit of what I wanted and I felt no guilt because I genuinely didn’t understand why they were acting like they did (hurt). I used to believe everyone thought like I do. I’m aware this isn’t the case now. I found myself unable to stop hurting people though. My hatred and humiliation cycle also grew and grew. I now live a mostly solitary lifestyle for the sake of myself and others.

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One thought on “The subjective experience of having NPD

  1. I can relate to the things you highlighted. I felt those things very strongly when I went through my last divorce. It was horrible. Intensely lonely. I felt worthless, unloved, and unlovable. I turned 50 during that time and I thought my whole life was a complete waste, because I had failed at everything.

    Miserable, that’s how I felt almost every waking moment. It took me almost three years to get through that.

    In the end, I took my divorce settlement money and checked myself in to a mental health clinic. After all the results were in from my psychological tests and evaluations, I was told that I had severe PTSD — NOT a personality disorder.

    I’m missing your posts. Praying you are okay.

    Like

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