Abandonment trigger.

ihatesnow

My CN/BPD colors came out today, boo. 👿

As I helped my housemate pack, I was snappish and irritated with her all day, hardly even speaking to her and when I did, barking things impatiently. She has hearing issues, and it was annoying me more than usual. I wasn’t being mindful as I usually am. I had no idea why I was acting this way but I was aware I was–I just didn’t care at the time.

At one point, I suppose to try to make friendly conversation (because I sure wasn’t having it), she said, “so I hear it’s going to be a bad winter this year.”

That was probably the worst thing she could have said. As a person with seasonal affective disorder who HATES winter with a passion, this banal comment triggered me.

I went off on her and even called her stupid and ignorant for believing the stupid cliche (everyone says this same thing every year, even when the winter turns out to be mild–it drives me insane).

I also took her innocuous comment as a kind of insult. Becuase she’s moving to Florida, I perceived it as a taunt: “Nyah, nyah, I’m going where it’s warm and you’ll be freezing your ass off. Haha!” Of course I knew she wasn’t doing this but I felt like she was. She could not have known the ways this ice-breaker triggered me and was only trying to be friendly, so after my inappropriate attack I realized what I’d done and apologized. I admitted I was stressed out about her moving out and requiring me to find someone new. She’d thought I was mad at her, which is understandable (she always thinks everyone is mad at her though). But in a way she was right–I was mad at her.

I thought about why I’d been so meanspirited and cranky, and realized it was because I don’t want her to leave! Even though we’re never going to be BFFs, she’s been reliable and trustworthy and I have no idea if the next person will be as reliable and trustworthy as she’s been.

And, I have to admit it. A part of me feels like she’s abandoning me (even though I know that’s illogical and that’s not it at all) — I guess her leaving triggered all my abandonment issues.

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2 thoughts on “Abandonment trigger.

  1. I totally relate to the way you were acting toward her. I do this all the time to my boyfriend. When even the smallest thing triggers me, I find myself becoming cold and passive aggressive, and when that doesn’t work, snapping at him and picking a fight over stupid things. I’m getting better about recognizing my hurt and actually bringing it up in adult conversation instead of letting it escalate, but the initial pangs of fear/anger/hurt/sadness can cause the spiteful comments and actions.

    Liked by 3 people

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