What my fear of rejection makes me do.

Originally posted on Lucky Otter’s Haven on April 7, 2015.

Here’s another article I wrote for my other blog before I became self-aware (and still thought I had Aspergers). I was even still reluctant to write about my BPD due to the stigma it carries for many of the ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) who were reading my blog. Here was one of my first articles after “coming out” about my BPD diagnosis. Even then I was well aware of my narcissistic traits, and I described some of these here.

borderline_pd

What My Fear of Rejection Makes Me Do

Time for a true confession.

I’ve been focusing a bit less on narcissism because the topic itself is somewhat of a trigger for me right now.

But I’ve recently decided to write openly about my BPD, which (along with Aspergers) is often misdiagnosed as narcissism.

Besides the envy and pride I’ve previously mentioned as my worst narcissistic traits, there is one other thing that has sometimes made me wonder if I might really be a narcissist.

Whenever any male in a position of authority has tried to tell me the truth about myself (like a therapist or teacher), I want to attack them. When I was much younger (teens and 20s) this manifested as rage attacks (as it did with my therapist during my 20’s). Today it’s more likely to be expressed as sarcasm, snarkiness, or just…silence. All of this is very narcissistic of me and makes me want to cringe in the corner when I think about it. Because knowingly hurting someone goes against the bigger, better part of me, a person who is kind and compassionate and hates to see anyone suffering or hurt.

I used to torment my therapist back in the 1980s. He didn’t know the intense feelings I had for him. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. If you’ve ever watched the ’90s Nickelodeon cartoon “Hey Arnold,” you will remember how cruel Helga always was to Arnold, but secretly she mooned over him.

helga_arnold

My therapist must have hated me. I LIKED tormenting him. He sat there week after week taking it like a trouper. If he was angry or upset, he never showed it. Most likely my strong feelings and verbal attacks were a form of transference. Maybe I experience a form of transference toward any male in an authority position who mirrors me.

I finally told that therapist I was quitting. Why? Because of my fear he was so tired of my mindfucking him that he’d tell me he couldn’t be my therapist anymore. I knew I wasn’t cured, but I left anyway. Sure, I was having trouble handling my infatuation, but now I know it was really all about hurting him before he could hurt me. How stupid of me, since he was probably more than happy to see the back of me.

hateyou_leaveme

I’ve really been thinking a lot lately about my BPD and the unpleasant ways it sometimes manifests itself. The behaviors are narcissistic, and they don’t happen all the time, or with most people (thank God for that!) But the reason they exist at all is because as a Borderline, I live in mortal terror of being rejected or abandoned, and certain men in authority who tell me truths about myself may represent my father, who I was afraid would reject me (even though he wasn’t really the problem at all).

Sometimes I do wonder if I may be a narcissist.

But I know I’m not because it makes no sense. Real narcissists don’t have a conscience or empathy. They can’t be happy for you or sad for you and I can be. If I do something wrong–even if I derive some kind of sick pleasure during the time I’m engaged in it–afterwards I feel terrible. I just want to run and hide.

I’m working on these behaviors, using an old workbook I got in 1996, because lately I’ve been thinking about possibly dating again. I’m getting over my fear of finding myself with another narc, because I feel like I know enough to read them now, to see the red flags and know when to run if I must–but I also don’t want to drive a nice guy away due to my “I hate you….don’t leave me” Borderline tendencies.

There’s so much apologizing I would like to do to so many people. I know that’s not possible but I wish it were.

I know I’m changing for the better, but a lot of bad and painful emotions are coming to the surface in the process of discovering who I am, because I’m feeling again. I think my PTSD is almost healed, and that’s a great thing, but mixed in with all the nice, loving, tender emotions are some not so nice ones too. Like a maggot crawling on the petals of a rose.

I never said I was perfect.

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6 thoughts on “What my fear of rejection makes me do.

  1. That was a really well done article. Entwined all over a fear of rejection is a fear of authority. That is understandable if one as been raised by narcs or suffered abuse. People who fear authority will often test it for it’s integrity, see how it’s going to respond. Unfortunately if it responds well, is kind and well intentioned, it doesn’t validate those childhood scripts. Sometimes the evidence of such perfect authority existing, is so painful, such a contrast to what we grew up with, that we reject it before it can reject us. Who do we keep around? The losers who aren’t worthy of having authority over us. As miserable as they are, they aren’t nearly as painful as confronting what was stolen from us, what was lost in our own childhoods.

    Also, rejection is going to hurt every single time, no matter how healthy and well adjusted you are, but generally when you are whole and well adjusted it doesn’t create panic.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Also, rejection is going to hurt every single time, no matter how healthy and well adjusted you are, but generally when you are whole and well adjusted it doesn’t create panic.”

      THE answer.

      Thank you SO much.

      Liked by 2 people

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