Today was stressful. Life just happened: aggravating time wasted trying to get a person on the phone who spoke English about my Virgin mobile account which was shut off erroneously; serious car troubles and no money to afford a new car or get repairs done. The job sucked today, as it usually does. The usual crap everyone deals with but most people take in stride. I can’t help but take these things personally, as if there’s some plot life has against me. I feel like I get more than my fair share of the shit storm of everyday life. Of course that’s the narcissistic paranoia again.
I came home incredibly stressed and listened to some country music and started crying. That’s a win because I never used to be able to cry and now I seem to be doing a lot of it. I’m ruminating over and feeling depressed because of how much of my life has been wasted due to my own stupid choices and inability to maintain relationships. Today I’m basically a recluse, but I still don’t want to grow old and die alone. But I don’t really want a relationship either, so I’m caught in a conundrum. My entire life to this point wasted, and there’s less time left than has already passed.
I know everything that ever happened has brought me to this awareness, and it’s a blessing, but why so late? Why so damn LATE? It makes me angry and sad.
I see others, and see the joy and fullness in their lives. My life has lacked any real joy in a very long time and my world is narrow and constricted due to my own choices and tendency to self sabotage everything. I’m not really close to anyone, except online. I always feel like an outsider and a misfit. I know a lot of this is my own fault, my own stupid narcissism that won’t let anyone get too close and is afraid they will see the darkness inside me and I don’t want to hurt people.
I wonder if I’m reaching some other level of awareness because lately these depressions/crying jags seem to have that kind of meaning. Maybe I’m having another dark night of the soul.
But I don’t want to assume. Maybe I’m just fucking sad and angry today and it means nothing at all. Maybe I’m giving this some metaphysical importance it really doesn’t have.
But I want it to mean something.
I can look inside now and see this bottomless well of…nothing. Like a black hole that can never be filled. I have so much grief, anger, and regret and it seems like no amount of tears will ever be able to purge these emotional toxins from my blighted soul. I know I’m just feeling really negative right now and probably making this more dramatic than it really is. How BPD of me.