Narcissophobia: Narcissism Hijacked (video: Sam Vaknin and Spartan Life Coach)

This is a very interesting discussion about narcissism as a mythic/cult concept and the way recently it’s become so demonized on the Internet it’s no longer a mental illness, but something much more sinister. Vaknin describes this all-good or all-bad phenomenon as an example of black and white thinking, or “splitting,” itself a narcissistic or borderline behavior.

At the end of the video is a discussion about covert narcissism.


5 thoughts on “Narcissophobia: Narcissism Hijacked (video: Sam Vaknin and Spartan Life Coach)

    1. Wow, well…in general I agree. I do see a lot of the black and white thinking going on, which unfortunately is rife in the ACoN community–I noticed it long before this video was made. I found myself increasingly disturbed and even upset by the wholesale demonization not only of narcissists, but of anyone with a cluster B disorder. These folks base their views on the abuse that was done to them, and while that’s certainly understandable, they’re also trapped by their own hatred and can’t move forward in their lives, even if they’ve gone no contact years ago. They can’t see that narcissism is on a spectrum, and that means that low-spectrum narcissists are more annoying or high maintenance than evil. As for BPD, which is also demonized, I don’t see it as any different than long term PTSD that started at a very young age.

      What’s even more disturbing than the black and white, us vs. them thinking, is that anyone who tries to understand the narcissistic mind or the borderline mind, is accused of being a “narc hugger” and therefore evil themselves. So yes, what Sam and SLC have to say here is pretty much spot on.


  1. I think listening to a narcissist hoping to gain insight can be risky because in my experience they lie and manipulate as a norm. So how do you know what they are saying is true? It could be a way to elicit what they want from you, to use you as a supply in some way and warp your thinking at the same time. What is true is the question I always as with NPDs because the manipulation factor is so high. Maybe I can gain insight but maybe that insight is distorted in a way they want it to be, twisted to suit their need, whenever that need is. Also, Sam probably put himself forth to gain supply no matter how he pitches it.

    There is a mob mentality though. Each person has to move through their pain to not fall into that, but I wonder if they don’t in part because of damage done by narcissists? Long term relationship of half a decade or more can really warp a person in many ways and that can be hard to undo and heal from. I think it probably also leaves the need to protect oneself from falling back into being used again by their narcissist so they have to make them a monster. Depending on how manipulative the narcissist in their life was, this might be highly necessary or if one is still hoping for love, validation, and/or closure, and they know this on some level. I have seen narcissists convert any and everything into a way to use someone as their current supply. A normal everyday question become twisted into their agenda, the ‘supply’ source then walks away feeling badly. For a person who has lived through this for many years, I imagine the need to demonize is more of a protective element in their coping because the minute you forget the narcissist is not like others you open yourself to allowing yourself to be victimized again by what may seem like normal interactions but always serve the narcissist toward some end.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Morrigan,
      Unfortunately, there’s no way to know if what they’re telling you is true, or if they’re sincere. I can assure you I’m sincere, but how would you know that? I could be doing all this for attention or supply (I’m not, but why should you believe that?) Sam himself has said he wrote his book about narcissism to attain supply for himself and a guru like status, and perhaps the same goes for all his videos too including this one, but that being said, it doesn’t make the information given here less valid. Yes, it’s based on opinion but in many ways I agree with the opinions in this video, no matter whether the intent was honest or not.

      Yes I know the “mob mentality” is in many ways justified. In fact, when I went NC with my ex a year and a half ago, I hated narcs as much as any narc-hater you’ve ever seen (I had no idea I *was* one!) I was part of the “mob” and for that period of time, that’s what I needed to be. I needed to hate Ns because I was trying to cope with and process the aftermath of having been in a very abusive relationship with one. I think it’s actually a healthy part of the process of recovery–in order to escape from a narcissistic abuser, anger is necessary, because anger is a proactive emotion with enough power to override the fear that kept us trapped. The problem arises when a person gets stuck there, and can’t move on from the rage. I’m not suggesting anyone should be a “narc hugger” or approve of the way they act, but staying in a state of seething hatred doesn’t allow a person to move forward because so much energy is being focused on how bad all Ns are. Rage can be useful when leaving a narcissist but isn’t meant to be a permanent state of mind for the victim, because it eats away at you and can actually turn a person narcissistic themselves.
      In order for me to move forward into a place of real recovery, I found myself needing to understand rather than hate. Understanding does not equal condoning or enabling. You can still be NC (and I am, for the most part). For me (but probably not for most victims), I needed to understand Ns because I was really trying to understand myself.

      I see your point about the ongoing hatred/rage being a protective device to avoid being hurt by another narcissist. But there are other ways to do this–watch for red flags and if you see them, GTFO! Go NC with narcissists holding you back or trying to destroy you. And then move on and forget about them. I know it’s easier said than done, but dwelling in hate and rage is toxic to both the body and soul.

      Don’t get me wrong. The negativity toward narcissists is justified. It just doesn’t do victims much good to dwell on it. IMO.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, these people need to heal. I think the problem is they fall to blame very easily and do not see their part in it. Not that they are to blame but what allowed them to fsll into that relstiondhip. Most healthy people would notice red flags sooner so addressing why they were drawn to that person or stayed with them might help them get past the rage. I know it’s different if you were the child of an N. I am. But healing helps and I think maybe people don’t heal. They get away but probably don’t dig into it and help themselves recover which is sad because we all deserve that, but it takes time. Meanwhile I guess people will hate the N.

    Liked by 2 people

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