I’ve noticed since my epiphany that I’m more grandiose than ever. Or maybe, with the outer mask of worthlessness and inferiority nearly gone (or so it seems since I became self aware), my grandiosity is no longer hidden so it’s more noticeable to myself (and probably to others), though I try to curb those tendencies.
I realized today just how grandiose some my thoughts really are. I’m not always sure what’s self confidence and what’s grandiosity. What’s realistic and what’s batshit insane. I’m not used to consciously experiencing either grandiosity or confidence so it’s hard to tell the difference.
I have these big ideas. They seem doable. I never had big ideas (or even little ideas) a year and a half ago, because I thought I was shit. But I still feel like I have to get reassurance from others that these big ideas I’m having are actually realistic and that I don’t sound insane. I actually asked someone today, “do I sound crazy to you?”
Curiouser and curiouser.
The DSM-V definition for NPD says of grandiosity:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is this me? I don’t know. I know I’m good at a few things, but do I expect to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements? What constitutes commensurate achievements? I haven’t actually achieved anything much in this life so far, but I have a goal now. I never did before. Isn’t having a goal to achieve something sort of narcissistic? Or is it self confidence? Have I become more confident? Or more grandiose? I really have no idea.
I will say this. I think true self confidence is something narcissists lack. Most narcissists hate themselves and overcompensate by having a grandiose false self that thinks it’s all that but is dependent on supply from others to remain viable. Without supply, the false self deflates like a balloon with a hole in it and the narcissist is forced to face their true self, atrophied and stunted due to years of neglect.
Can the true self ever really grow up and become a functioning adult, or has it passed its “critical period” — a timeframe where proper care and enough loving attention is essential for a child (or young animal) to grow and thrive?
Healthy self confidence seems different to me. It’s not arrogant, entitled, and doesn’t suffer narcissistic injury or fly into a narcissistic rage when not validated. Self confidence doesn’t come off as grandiosity, but just a conviction that one is capable of achieving a goal.
I know what the difference is between grandiosity and confidence in an intellectual way. I’m just not sure whether what I’m experiencing is self confidence or grandiosity. I’m only just beginning to learn about what makes me tick.