Something amazing just happened. I missed work today because I twisted a muscle in my back so stayed home and decided to do a chakra balancing/self-reparenting session. Once again, the music for the Third Chakra (solar plexus, weakest for narcissists) had the most intense effect and had me in tears again.
Afterwards, I felt great–and started to laugh about nothing at all!
I opened up my email (which I’d been neglecting). Occasionally I get private emails from people who don’t feel comfortable posting their stories on a public website. I get letters from both victims of abuse and narcissists who hate their disorder and want to be healed. (The fact self aware narcissists seemed to always feel comfortable approaching me in private even prior to my realization about myself, is interesting to me.)
Anyway, there was one email from a woman who had been a victim of narcissistic abuse her entire life. I get a lot of these kinds of letters and while I have sympathy for these victims and try to give them advice, encouragement, or support, it’s always hard for me to really FEEL what they’re going through–even though I went through much the same myself. Maybe that’s my self-protectiveness kicking in since their stories often mirror my own. But there’s always an odd sense of emotional distance that keeps me from being able to really empathize. I’m always strangely disconnected emotionally.
This writer told me about her ex, a high spectrum malignant narcissist who had scapegoated their son all his life. The son was so damaged by his father’s abuse he had no life skills to cope with the world when he reached adulthood, and became homeless. The father refused to help him.
The son was attacked one night and left for dead. He lived, but he suffered severe brain damage. The father still scapegoats him. I could feel this woman’s pain and could imagine how I’d feel if that had happened to my own son, who I love more than it’s possible for me to express in words. I read this and suddenly realized I was crying. I FELT this woman’s pain and I FELT her son’s pain and found myself grieving for the beautiful soul he was that his abusive father tried to destroy.
So this was empathy! I haven’t felt true empathy for anyone in many years, maybe never.
I feel like this was another breakthrough.
I have so much hope right now that I can beat this narcissism bug!
Empathy feels wonderful because it means you’re connecting with another person on an emotional level. It feels wonderful because you’re feeling something about someone other than yourself.
Sometimes I feel guilty about having rejected my True Self, the one that came out today and cried for this woman and her poor son.
But you shouldn’t feel guilty. It wasn’t your fault. You did it because your TS was rejected by those who raised you and were supposed to love you, and you internalized their rejection. Erecting a protective false self in its place was the only option you had. It wasn’t a choice if it happened to you at a very young age. Your false self was initially created to protect your TS, not to obliterate it or send it into permanent exile. Unfortunately, for most of us it “protects” it a little too well–it’s like when you hide something and then can’t remember where you put it later.
Keep an open mind and an open heart. If you’re determined and don’t give up, your TS will make more frequent appearances and teach you all you need to know about being a vulnerable, openhearted person with the ability to empathize and emotionally connect with others. Your True Self is your soul.
The irony is, if you’re a narcissist, you rejected your TS because it was too vulnerable. But it’s that very vulnerability that is the key out of the darkness of narcissism.
I recommend watching all of Brene Brown’s videos, including this one called The Power of Vulnerability. It’s wonderful.