Tormenting my therapists.

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Myself at age 18.

Many mental health providers refuse to treat Cluster Bs because they assume we can never get better and also because we’re known to treat therapists badly.

I always did. I remember a therapist I had in the 80s when I was in my early 20’s. I was terribly infatuated with him, obsessed beyond all logic. This is called transference in therapy and my therapist kept trying to get me to “work through it” but my crush kept intensifying. It was killing me. One day I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and walked out the door in mid session. I never saw him again.

I realize now how narcissistic I acted during my sessions with him. I was attractive and knew it (even though I self identify as a cerebral narcissist), so I flirted openly, tried to get him to hug me (he actually did this until he realized it was a manipulative game on my part and there was a definite sexual aspect).

One day I stormed into his office having a hissy fit because I’d found a magazine in the waiting room with his and a woman’s name on the label. I stomped in, started waving the magazine in the air demanding he tell me why he never told me he had a girlfriend. His answer was quite reasonable (and it was of course none of my business), but I sulked the whole rest of the session and refused to say anything. I’d show him!

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Although I never turned malignant, I think I can see the beginning of the predatory, narcissistic stare in this photo taken of me at around age 22.

After I quit therapy, I hoped I had hurt him. I think I was angry at him for “making” me like him too much and leaving him was my method of punishing him. Of course, my leaving therapy didn’t hurt him. I was just his annoying, demanding, manipulative little bitch of a patient and he probably couldn’t stand me. I wanted to think I was hurting him, but I was really only hurting myself.

It shames me to remember all this, but I really manipulated that therapist, and annoyed him all the time ON PURPOSE. I was sadistic…I was crushing so hard, maybe my strong feelings for him were causing me to want to hurt and anger him. I remember getting a thrill if I could see a look of hurt on his face. It made me feel more powerful because with him I could do the hurting instead of always being the one to get hurt.

Later on I had another therapist. I didn’t have intense feelings of transference (at least that I was consciously aware of) but I used to act out in rage attacks in her office (the rage was not directed at her really, but to my ex at the time, a raging overt narcissist). I didn’t give my destructiveness a second thought. Once I turned over a coffee table with small glass objects on it and broke a few of them. (Shortly after I was hospitalized for major depression, and was given my BPD diagnosis). I did feel guilty about breaking things in her office but not until after the fact. At the time it happened was only thinking of my own intense feelings and gave no thought to how damaging or scary my behavior was. I think this behavior was probably more BPD but borderlines are also known to treat their therapists like shit.

It embarrasses me now to think about all this. I almost want to track down these therapists and make amends to them. I know these feelings of guilt are part of seeing myself as others see me, and that is something new. It’s not that narcissists don’t have guilt, but that they have dissociated themselves from having to feel it.

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2 thoughts on “Tormenting my therapists.

  1. I think when we find the genuine guilt within, we overcome it. To feel remorse, is a feeling of humanity. Thank you for sharing your story. If you ‘feel’ you want to track down the therapists to apologise, you
    would bring so much light to their life and even more light to your life – your rising Awareness life. I wish you all the best and I believe the effort of apology is a huge accomplishment in our life lessons we are here to learn.

    Liked by 1 person

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